So, awhile back I wrote a post in which I listed some of the fascinating things people Googled that led them inexplicably to my website. Oh yes, folks, my website host keeps track of that stuff (you naughty, naughty readers, you).
And as it so happens, this second wine of glass I’m drinking made me realize that we are way over due for another round of this fun (and by fun, I mean HIGHLY disturbing) little game.
Now, before we begin, let me just say that I’m not entirely sure why Google hates me, but hey, I’ll take all the views I can get, even if it is mainly composed of lonely men in their basements looking up “facebook carrot vagina.” (Seriously. Google directed that person to this site…why you gotta hate, Google?).
And so, without further ado…
“Trucker sex” (I’m actually giving Google a free pass on this one. I did actually write about trucker sex once. Hi mom!)
“Chubby sexy cousin” (1. Awesome band name. 2. Should I be offended or should one of my cousins?)
“I am your brother, don’t worry” (I swear, despite this and the one above, I’ve never written about incest)
“I think Winston is cute, too bad he’s gay” (Uh…?)
“Muumuu jokes” (It’s a niche market and apparently it’s all mine)
“Montel Williams shirtless” (I worry about the future of humanity)
“Person crying/Man crying/Geeky guy eating while crying” (Oh god, did I accidentally turn my husband into a meme?)
“Wife home alone” (Apparently I also appeal to rapists, so…cool?)
“here is to all the meanie pies who are always bullying me and forcing me to eat eggnog” (Google, I demand you ban this individual from my website post haste and henceforth! I won’t tolerate that kind of hate speech)
“Humans eating live birds” (The hell, Google!?!)
“Where are your ovaries” (I did actually draw a diagram once, so…well played, Google)
“my hot college boyfriend england” (???)
“my husband is a drunk idiot” (Heh. Sorry, babe. I think I did turn you into an Internet meme)
“Crappy photo of woman” (Aw…now you’re just being mean, you guys)
“Pregnant 49 weeks” (Holy crap, can that even happen? Google, I don’t want to tell you how to do your job, but I’m thinking WebMD would probably be more appropriate. And/or urging her to immediately dial 911)
“aprill brandon smoking” (I know that’s you, mom! I’m working on it. Back off)
“Cool grandma sex”/”naked breasts of middle-aged females” (Aw…now I has a sad)
“Big nose booger” (Always keeping it classy up here at Broke Wife, Big City)
“Potty mumu poop” (Oh yeah, no, my writing career is going great)
“I can’t help it if your mommy doesn’t know how to dress you cute” (WHO ARE YOU PEOPLE!?!)
“Aneurysm headache location” (Again, Google, WebMD would probably be better for this now almost definitely dead person)
“buffy dog w/ no pants” (Why would you even need to look that…nope, you know what…I don’t care…Screw you, Google).
“Writers drink and smoke” (After reading this, can you honestly blame us?)