I’m finally free, my people! For two years, I have been living under the oppressive regime of a brutal and sadistic dictator, but NO MORE! HAHAHAHAHAHA ( <—– manic yet happy relief-laughter)!
As of two days ago, my
prison sentence two-year contract with Verizon finally ended, meaning I am no longer enslaved by the relentless buffering and endless “Hey, I think I’ll randomly turn off now”-ing of my LG Ally phone. No more waiting 45 minutes for things to download. No more memory that can only hold two pictures and three text messages before alerting me “Memory Card Is Full!” in a snarky tone. And no more map applications that tell me I’m in Boston, Kentucky and 15 hours and 42 minutes away from my destination (4 days, 7 hours and 18 minutes via walking).
Yes, I am upgrade eligible, which is fancy cell phone company speak for “Get a new phone that only costs an arm and a leg as opposed to an arm and a leg and the top portion of your head.” And upgrade I did, friends. Oh, I upgraded the shit out of my phone.
You are reading at the proud new owner of a 4G Droid RAZR.*
Hmm…how to describe this miraculous device? It’s…it’s like when you’ve been driving around in your lemon of a car, the one that shakes if you try to go over 45 mph and the driver’s side door handle is broken, meaning you have to climb in through the passenger side every time you get in and the tape deck refuses to eject that Alanis Morissette album, meaning you’ve been listening to “Jagged Little Pill” for five years straight, and suddenly your mom lets you borrow her brand new car. With its smooth ride and brakes that actually work and satellite radio and heater that doesn’t visibly smoke and GPS device. And you feel like the goddamn queen of the world. Suddenly the world is in Technicolor and you can conquer anything, because you have breakthrough car jargon phrase here!
It’s like that feeling, only better, because I don’t have to hand back over the keys to my phone once I’m done picking up the pizza.
Even though I have now had this phone for over 72 hours, I’m still in awe. It immediately responds to my touch? Huh? It doesn’t take 10 minutes for Facebook to load? What!? I can download Angry Birds AND Angry Birds Space AND still have room for Words With Friends? Get out of here!
I even get Instagram on this bitch, which is awesome since all of us twirty-somethings (my clever phrase combination for 20-somethings and 30-somethings) really, really love to make current moments look old. We want our nostalgia and we want it NOW, which is why we take photos of what we ate for breakfast with a filter that makes it look like it was taken in 1943 so that we can feel nostalgic about it by lunch.
And now that I have this fancy new phone, I totally get all those people who say they would just DIE if they ever lost their phone or say they feel naked when they forgot it at home. Prior to this, I would have been thrilled to have someone steal my phone. Good luck not chucking it into a river out of frustration because it’s still buffering on my personal bank app, Mr. Burglar Man (or Woman…Feminism FTW!).
But no more. My phone is by far the most glamorous piece of equipment I own and I’m pretty sure I love it more than my dog…and my husband…combined.
Sadly, this foray into the world of non-crappy technology has awakened a long stagnant hunger for other non-crappy technology. While before I was happy with hand-me-down computers,** I’m starting to wonder what having a computer where the “N” button isn’t broken and you have to hit it twice if you “do’t wat your seteces to look like this” would be like. Or to have a TV actually capable of HD. Or even a radio with an actual antenna that didn’t fall off in 1998.
DAMN YOU, MOTOROLA!
DAMN YOU TO HELL!!
*If you are in the iPhone cult (and shut up, it is a cult) please stop reading now. I don’t want to hear your brainwashed arguments about how much better your iPhone is, which you’re probably typing out while at lunch with some friends, who you are totally ignoring and being THAT asshole.
**My first computer was a rebuilt clunker from a teacher as a gift for college that worked 32 percent of the time. My first laptop was a hand-me-down from my mom who received it as a hand-me-down from one of my cousins. It weighed approximately 800 pounds and only ran if you could probe the gerbil into thinking it was worth his while to run in his tiny wheel. Years later, I would finally upgrade to a significantly lighter and more sophisticated (the gerbil and wheel were locked inside) laptop, but only because it was OFFICIAL NEWSPAPER PROPERTY meant to enable me to do my job (which I did a good 40 percent of the time). Currently, I am writing on a tiny Netbook that is another hand-me-down from my mom and our PC is a hand-me-down from my stepdad.***
***Yes…yes, my husband and I are in 30’s.