Decluttering your life only works if you refuse to allow your family back into the house.
You should do one thing every day that scares you, like skydiving, or answering your phone when it rings even though this will likely result in having to talk to another human being.
When you’re a mom, children turn into gremlins the minute they find out it is your birthday.
After a certain age, every musical guest on Saturday Night Live makes you squint and say “who the hell is that?”
Always do the voices when reading books to your kids.
If an entire drawer in your fridge isn’t devoted solely to cheese, are you even really living?
Nazis are bad. Always. No exceptions.
Saving the planet is good. Always. No exceptions.
If you cook Thanksgiving dinner, apologize for nothing. I don’t care if the turkey tastes like hot garbage and the mashed potatoes are on fire. You just spent 16 hours in the kitchen. Apologize. For. Nothing.
Everyone talks about how important it is to drink water but it is equally important to know that if you do start drinking water, you’ll have to keep doing it forever because now you notice how dehydrated and awful and death-ish you feel when you don’t drink water. You’ve been warned.
If you take your dog on a walk, he will poop exactly one more time than the amount of plastic baggies you brought with you.
Don’t say maybe when you want to say no.
After a certain age, you wake up in pain for no discernible reason. Maybe it’s from your three-mile run. Maybe it’s from when your toddler was practicing WWE moves on you while you tried to make dinner. Maybe it’s because you sneezed too hard. Who knows?
Pillow fights are fun for exactly 24 seconds before it all devolves into attempted mass murder via fluff.
Parenting gets easier the day you realize that the food will never be eaten, the laundry will never be done and the term “clean” is now highly malleable.
Don’t just be nice. Strive to be kind.
Camping is always a great idea. At first. Then nature happens. A lot of it.
Never feed small children spaghetti unless it’s their bath night.
Never feed old dogs leftover spaghetti unless it’s their bath night.
No matter how many times you threaten them, someone is going to eventually poop in the tub on bath night.
After a certain age, people start looking too young to be your doctor.
Remember to have fun.
You can never own too many books. You can definitely own too many cheese slicers. (Seven. SEVEN.)
Make friends with people who understand you when you say things like “I’m having a really good boob day.”
Screw it. Just order pizza for dinner.
Let your loved one know you care. Pinch their butt more.
Resist the urge to buy your children finger paints. They’ll play with them for five minutes and it will take you roughly the rest of your life to clean up the mess.
After a certain age, no matter how positive you are that you’re right, you are definitely not using that Internet slang term correctly. Trust me. I’m Netflix and chill AF.
Don’t let your kids “win” at board games. That’s how those insufferable people who say “well, actually” are created. Crush them at Candyland. Crush them hard. Society will thank you.
Making the bed in the morning seems so pointless. Until you go to bed.
Kids are resilient. So are you.
Your partner cannot read your mind. When they make you angry, tell them how you feel right into their big, dumb, stupid face.
For those of you wondering, a nice Kentucky whiskey pairs best with dinnertime temper tantrums.
After a certain age, you’ll start yelling at people to stop wasting paper towels. Do not panic. This is a natural part of the aging process.
Slow down. The only thing waiting for you at the end of all this is death.
I’m 37 now and I can officially declare that there are no grown-ups. We’re all faking it.