Good morning, small humans! I know, it IS really early. So I hope you all had a long, restful sleep. Just kidding. I know you were up playing in your rooms until midnight despite repeated and increasingly explicit warnings to go to bed. But that all ends now. School starts in less than a week and the time has come to reintroduce you to proper society. Which has super fun things such as rules and schedules!
Which brings us to our first lesson. Allow me to introduce you to Clock. This is your god now, children. And it is a cruel god. When it says jump out of bed, you say how high. When it says it’s time to go, it does not mean 45 minutes from now.
No, no. We do not hiss at Clock. Nice Clock. Pretty Clock. Clock controls all now. You will obey Clock.
Next item up, pants. P-A-N-T-S. Say it with me, kids. PAAAAANTS. They go on your lower body. Along with underwear. And not underwear from three days ago that you picked up off your floor and turned inside out and therefore are declared “still good.” No, clean underwear. From a drawer. Say it with me now. DRAAAAAAWER.
OK, can anyone tell me what these things are? Ah-ah! Stop. Drop it. I said drop it. Just look. Now sit. Good children. These are typical breakfast foods. Bagels, eggs, fresh fruit, cereals not prominently featuring marshmallows. Every morning you will choose one or more of these items and eat it at the actual table. No more root beer and Cheez-Its eaten in your blanket fort while playing Minecraft.
Whoa! And no more of THAT language, thankyouverymuch.
Speaking of which, where does cursing belong? That’s correct! In the #$%&*@! home. Not in the classroom. I do not want a repeat of the 2018 Preschool F Bomb Blitz. And the 2020 Remote Learning Shit Show. And last year’s But A Bitch Is A Female Dog Fiasco.
Alright, moving on. Pop quiz, kiddos! How often should one take a bath? Yes, with soap. AND shampoo. Yes, they are different. So, how often? Um…good guess but no. Also ew. The correct answer is every day. And then after our bath we…are you kidding me? Stop gnawing on that! Give it here! After bath we brush our hair with this hairbrush. What do you mean why? Yesterday a bird tried to nest in yours.
Who can tell me what shoes are? Anyone? Anyone? OK, we’ll come back to that one.
Now this should be an easy one. Do you remember this object? This is called a book. It’s just like your tablets but without videos or games or music. No, stop swiping at it. You open it. See? And then you read the words…stop swiping it, it doesn’t work like that. You read the words…poking it doesn’t work either! …and then you can see the story inside your head! Pretty cool, huh? OH MY GOD, STOP TRYING TO SWIPE THE PAGE.
Hoo boy. Well, I’m just going to assume you aren’t ready for pencils again either. Can you stretch your hands out yet or are they still molded in the shape of the Nintendo Switch controllers? Oof. Remind me to call your pediatrician.
Let’s circle back to shoes. Ring any bells yet? No?
OK then, let’s discuss possibly the most important lesson: Appropriate topics for what we did this summer. When people ask you, you can tell them all about the beach trip we took last week, or how we got a new puppy this summer, or that fun outing to the science museum. What you should NOT bring up is that time the plumber came to fix our bathroom and we all had to pee in a bucket your father affectionately nicknamed The Chamberpot. Or when the TV broke and the little one somehow got ahold of a knife and threatened to go back into my womb until she could watch Bluey again. Agreed, I never should have explained to her what a C-section is.
And please, please do not bring up that 3-hour traffic jam during our road trip to Canada where mommy threw a tantrum and you all learned a new and very naughty word. I never should have called all Canadians that. Yes, you are correct, they both start with the letter “c”. But I never should have said it. Look, it doesn’t matter what it means, all that matters is that you don’t repeat it. NO! DO NOT TURN IT INTO A SONG! STOP DANCING!
Oh god…
OK…
You know what?
How does everyone feel about homeschooling?
Chick Writes Stuff 