So, regarding the title of this post…
1. That’s a kickass band name and you know it.
2. That is just one of the many random search engine terms that led unwitting civilians to this very site.
Yes, apparently while I (foolishly) thought I was just writing about trying to survive adulthood and the wacky twists and turns life takes as you get older, the Internet had a much more…shall we say…subjective point of view of this website.
Naturally, after discovering that Google (or AltaVista if you are still living in 1995) had taken it upon itself to connect me and my writing to the idea of (quite literally) being a hot mess, I decided to do some investigating and find out just what other terms Google thinks suits me. And lucky for me, my host WordPress keeps a very detailed log.
Now, I’ll admit, some of these terms excited me and made me feel like I was getting somewhere with my writing career. For example, I am apparently the leading Internet expert on motorboating considering the amount of people led to my blog via typing in “Motorboat me,” “Irishman motorboating you” and “My guy friends motorboat me.”
I am also apparently one of the top results for “black friday poems,” so…yeah. Suck it, Emily Dickinson.
I’m also apparently a “mom I’d like to do” even though I don’t have kids and someone who is in the know about “brownies busted for underage drinking” even though I was never actually in the brownies nor have I ever written about them (although I might have some knowledge of underage drinking but in my defense it was a Zima and the cop was kind of a douchebag).
But perhaps the one I’m must proud about is “kerfluffin ring,” a term I, well, at least thought I made up but apparently at least one other person in this world was just as drunk while typing and happened to hit the same random number of keys in the exact same order as I did.
Of course, this journey down “Search Engine Term” lane hasn’t been all positive. Some of the phrases and ideas people looked up and then were brought into my web were less than…flattering. So let me break them down for you.
(And just as a reminder, these are all exact terms that led people to click on this site).
Terms that make me think I should really re-evaluate my life:
Old woman in a corset drinking a beer
Cookies for you in my fanny pack
I love my big lady and she loves me *
*I’m only a size 8, Google. Back off.
Sluty [sic] wifes [sic] in Xmas outfit
Hiccups girl drunk -mee -murder
You aren’t funny, hobo
How to deal with feeling hor **
**I’m assuming they meant “horny” with that last word but apparently my website popped up so fast they didn’t even have to finish typing it.
Terms that might possibly make my husband think he should re-evaluate his life and/or his association with me:
My husband is exhausting
Do I talk to my wife about my inferiority complex?
I’m starting to hate my wife
Pictures of mixed girls that r kinda fat not to [sic] much
Other search engine terms that led people to this website that would also make a kickass band name:
Tom Felton Hairloss (and/or Breaking Hairloss News)
Forced Corset Corpse***
***I swear I am NOT making these up.
Florida Baby Grasshoppers
Uncles Noogies Wedgies
Terms I’m considering for my future autobiography:
Lady dragging Christmas tree
Abused woman driving bald tires
Apologize to mom
Motivation when broke
Terms that would make a good title for my dog Buffy’s autobiography:
A dog running away from its house
And terms that are just downright Google being an asshole:
Fat woman in jungle
Unwanted facial in public
Is there a serial killer in the tri-state area?
How can a woman deal with a border collie knote (?!?) **** in the ass
**** The (?!?) is my addition
So, all in all, I think we can agree I’m on the right career track *****
***** She says sobbing as she mixes a bottle of wine with a gallon of mint chocolate chip ice cream