Woman spontaneously combusting

So, regarding the title of this post…

1. That’s a kickass band name and you know it.

2. That is just one of the many random search engine terms that led unwitting civilians to this very site.

Yes, apparently while I (foolishly) thought I was just writing about trying to survive adulthood and the wacky twists and turns life takes as you get older, the Internet had a much more…shall we say…subjective point of view of this website.

Naturally, after discovering that Google (or AltaVista if you are still living in 1995) had taken it upon itself to connect me and my writing to the idea of (quite literally) being a hot mess, I decided to do some investigating and find out just what other terms Google thinks suits me. And lucky for me, my host WordPress keeps a very detailed log. 

Now, I’ll admit, some of these terms excited me and made me feel like I was getting somewhere with my writing career. For example, I am apparently the leading Internet expert on motorboating considering the amount of people led to my blog via typing in “Motorboat me,” “Irishman motorboating you” and “My guy friends motorboat me.”

I am also apparently one of the top results for “black friday poems,” so…yeah. Suck it, Emily Dickinson.

I’m also apparently a “mom I’d like to do” even though I don’t have kids and someone who is in the know about “brownies busted for underage drinking” even though I was never actually in the brownies nor have I ever written about them (although I might have some knowledge of underage drinking but in my defense it was a Zima and the cop was kind of a douchebag).

But perhaps the one I’m must proud about is “kerfluffin ring,” a term I, well, at least thought I made up but apparently at least one other person in this world was just as drunk while typing and happened to hit the same random number of keys in the exact same order as I did.

Of course, this journey down “Search Engine Term” lane hasn’t been all positive. Some of the phrases and ideas people looked up and then were brought into my web were less than…flattering. So let me break them down for you.  

(And just as a reminder, these are all exact terms that led people to click on this site).

Terms that make me think I should really re-evaluate my life:

Hangover

Expletive

Old woman in a corset drinking a beer

Cookies for you in my fanny pack

I love my big lady and she loves me *

*I’m only a size 8, Google. Back off.

Sluty [sic] wifes [sic] in Xmas outfit

Hiccups girl drunk -mee -murder

You aren’t funny, hobo

How to deal with feeling hor **

**I’m assuming they meant “horny” with that last word but apparently my website popped up so fast they didn’t even have to finish typing it.

Terms that might possibly make my husband think he should re-evaluate his life and/or his association with me:

My husband is exhausting

Do I talk to my wife about my inferiority complex?

I’m starting to hate my wife

Pictures of mixed girls that r kinda fat not to [sic] much

Snort emergen-C

Other search engine terms that led people to this website that would also make a kickass band name:

Drunk Monkey

Tom Felton Hairloss (and/or Breaking Hairloss News)

Forced Corset Corpse***

***I swear I am NOT making these up.

Florida Baby Grasshoppers

Uncles Noogies Wedgies

Spider Corpse

Plain Hotdog

Terms I’m considering for my future autobiography:

Lady dragging Christmas tree

Abused woman driving bald tires

Apologize to mom

Motivation when broke

Terms that would make a good title for my dog Buffy’s autobiography:

A dog running away from its house

And terms that are just downright Google being an asshole:

Fat woman in jungle

Muumuu Boston

Unwanted facial in public

Honorable mention:

Is there a serial killer in the tri-state area?

How can a woman deal with a border collie knote (?!?) **** in the ass

**** The (?!?) is my addition

So, all in all, I think we can agree I’m on the right career track *****

***** She says sobbing as she mixes a bottle of wine with a gallon of mint chocolate chip ice cream 

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2 responses to “Woman spontaneously combusting

  1. This is fantastic. At least one person ends up on my blog every week after having searched “she put what up where,” which means I can safely say my blog is responsible for severely disappointing at least one person (and probably more) every week. And isn’t that what writing a blog is all about?

  2. Hahahaha…yes. Yes it is.

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