Tag Archives: remote schooling

Hey Randy!

In this age of Larger-Than-Life characters, there lurks in the shadows another archetype. One that often gets overlooked in all the noise and chaos. Yet, they are content to stoically remain on the sidelines, emerging only in times of great need. 

The Quiet Hero. 

They can be any gender, any race, any age. The only thing they have in common is that they ask for nothing in return. They are the mythic ones whose mild mannered alter-ego is exactly the same as their mild-mannered superhero persona. 

Which brings me to Randy. He’s our landlord’s loyal handyman. Randy the Handyman, if you will.  We’ve known him for almost a decade now. We’ve known his assistant, Jacob, for quite a few years now too. It was these two Quiet Heroes who strode bravely into our house yesterday, on a mission to fix our garbage disposal, unaware of the hurricane they were about to enter. For, unbeknownst to them, our preschooler and first grader haven’t seen the inside of a school since March. They haven’t had a sleepover in almost a year. They haven’t been to a birthday party or attended a family reunion or been to a festival or gone on vacation in a long, long time. In short, they were desperate for socialization. 

It was the perfect storm. 

And so, in honor of these noble yet unsuspecting gentlemen, I immediately got out my laptop and transcribed what followed as accurately as I possibly could. 

*knock at door*

Hi! Randy! Hi! Hey Randy!

Hey! Hey Randy! Look at my toy! Randy! 

What’s that other guy’s name again?

Hey! Hi Jacob! Jacob, hey, hi! 

Randy, I lost four teeth!

I have pink headphones, want to see?

I have blue ones!

Have you ever read the book “Too Many Toys”? Hey Randy, have you ever read the book “Too Many Toys”?

I said I have blue ones! Blue headphones! Hey Randy!

Hey Jacob! Have you ever read “Too Many Toys”?

Hey Randy, I plug my headphones into the little hole on my tablet. Just like this. 

There’s a funny part where the mom goes “Spencer, you have TOO MANY TOYS!” What are you guys doing?

Hey Randy! Do you want to see the comic book I wrote?

Hey, our dog died. 

Yeah, our dog died. 

Can I play with your tools?

What’s that thing do?

Hey Jacob, can I have this?

What’s a garbage disposal?

Did they teach you how to fix this in school?

Hey, we just learned about germs today. 

Hey! Guys! Look what I can do!

Look at my purse! Hey Randy! I keep all the shiny stuff in here. Do you guys like shiny stuff? 

I made a spaceship out of Legos! Or maybe it’s a boat. 

Hey Jacob, are you a cowboy? You look like a cowboy.

How old are you, Randy? Because you look old. 

Hey! Watch me do this! Are you watching? Watch. 

Where are you putting the old…what’s that thing called again? 

Can I help?

Yeah, hey, can I help?

Did you know when dogs die they go over the rainbow bridge?

My favorite food is mac and cheese! What’s your favorite food? Is it cupcakes?

This went on for over an hour. And not only did these two men not slaughter my entire family with a socket wrench, they actually listened to everything my kids hurled rapid-fire at them and answered all their questions and stopped numerous times to “watch this!” 

All while also trying to do their jobs. 

All while keeping big smiles on their faces. 

Yes, not all heroes wear capes. Some simply wear a toolbelt and give some kindly attention to two little kids bravely trying to weather a pandemic. 

Hey Randy. 

Hey Jacob. 

Thank you. 

Where’s My Coffee? A Remote Schooling Pop Quiz

Q: If I wake up at 7 a.m. and remote schooling starts at 8:30 a.m. for my first grader and 8:45 a.m. for my preschooler, at what time will I take my first sip of coffee? Please show your work.

A: 9:07 a.m. Because the children got up at 6:59 a.m. and began immediately fighting and demanding things and the dog pooped all over the only carpeted area in the house and everyone wanted something different for breakfast. Carry the one nerve I had left over.  

Q: If I am helping one child with a math assignment in the dining room and then the other one yells for my help during her small group live instruction in the bedroom, where will I eventually find my coffee after a frantic search?

A: On top of the bookshelf in the hallway.

Extra credit question: Will it still be hot?

A: Nope. 

Q: What is my favorite brand of coffee to make at home?

a. Starbucks

b. Dunkin

c. That fancy one I can’t pronounce 

d. Any that finally finds its way into my hands. 

Q: Where do I most often find my coffee?

A: In the microwave. Where I warmed it up 40 minutes ago.

True or False: Whoever finishes the pot of coffee has to make a new pot.

True. RYAN. 

Q: If my preschooler is having a meltdown because she can’t cut out her shapes perfectly and my first grader is going on another angry rant about how he hates school and he knows everything already so why does he even have to get on Zoom, will I slip out to the front porch or the back porch to enjoy five minutes of peace with my cup of coffee?

A: Trick question. They discovered that’s where I hide last week. The answer is now the basement. 

Q: During the afternoon, if I scour the entire house for 20 minutes for my coffee but still cannot find it, where is my coffee?

a. The coffee never existed in the first place because I am going insane. 

b. An interdimensional portal that opened up because it’s 2020.

c. Does it even matter? It’s just easier to get a new cup and find the old one six months later when it has grown fur and possibly consciousness. 

d. In the bathroom where I optimistically brought it an hour ago in the vain hope of finding two minutes to brush my teeth.

True or False: Some people don’t drink coffee. 

False. Probably. Who are these people? And what mystical elixir do they drink to prevent familial homicides? 

Q: If it’s a half day Wednesday and both kids have different schedules and extra long Zoom sessions, what will you find in my coffee mug?

A: Correct. The answer is indeed whiskey.

Q: What is an appropriate amount of coffee to drink in the year of our Lord 2020?

A: ALL OF IT. 

Essay Question: How is coffee made?

Little caffeine fairies collect the magic beans in the enchanted forest and give them to dragons, who roast them. They are then collected by really hip dressed baristas and distributed to the masses, who mix it with hot water to make that bewitching hot bean potion that keeps the world running with its life-giving and slightly addictive properties.