Q: If I wake up at 7 a.m. and remote schooling starts at 8:30 a.m. for my first grader and 8:45 a.m. for my preschooler, at what time will I take my first sip of coffee? Please show your work.
A: 9:07 a.m. Because the children got up at 6:59 a.m. and began immediately fighting and demanding things and the dog pooped all over the only carpeted area in the house and everyone wanted something different for breakfast. Carry the one nerve I had left over.
Q: If I am helping one child with a math assignment in the dining room and then the other one yells for my help during her small group live instruction in the bedroom, where will I eventually find my coffee after a frantic search?
A: On top of the bookshelf in the hallway.
Extra credit question: Will it still be hot?
Q: What is my favorite brand of coffee to make at home?
c. That fancy one I can’t pronounce
d. Any that finally finds its way into my hands.
Q: Where do I most often find my coffee?
A: In the microwave. Where I warmed it up 40 minutes ago.
True or False: Whoever finishes the pot of coffee has to make a new pot.
Q: If my preschooler is having a meltdown because she can’t cut out her shapes perfectly and my first grader is going on another angry rant about how he hates school and he knows everything already so why does he even have to get on Zoom, will I slip out to the front porch or the back porch to enjoy five minutes of peace with my cup of coffee?
A: Trick question. They discovered that’s where I hide last week. The answer is now the basement.
Q: During the afternoon, if I scour the entire house for 20 minutes for my coffee but still cannot find it, where is my coffee?
a. The coffee never existed in the first place because I am going insane.
b. An interdimensional portal that opened up because it’s 2020.
c. Does it even matter? It’s just easier to get a new cup and find the old one six months later when it has grown fur and possibly consciousness.
d. In the bathroom where I optimistically brought it an hour ago in the vain hope of finding two minutes to brush my teeth.
True or False: Some people don’t drink coffee.
False. Probably. Who are these people? And what mystical elixir do they drink to prevent familial homicides?
Q: If it’s a half day Wednesday and both kids have different schedules and extra long Zoom sessions, what will you find in my coffee mug?
A: Correct. The answer is indeed whiskey.
Q: What is an appropriate amount of coffee to drink in the year of our Lord 2020?
A: ALL OF IT.
Essay Question: How is coffee made?
Little caffeine fairies collect the magic beans in the enchanted forest and give them to dragons, who roast them. They are then collected by really hip dressed baristas and distributed to the masses, who mix it with hot water to make that bewitching hot bean potion that keeps the world running with its life-giving and slightly addictive properties.