Greetings and salutations new students! I am pleased to welcome you as the inaugural class of St. Momma’s Academy For Wayward Children. I’m looking forward to a most maddening semester with all of your beautiful, perfect faces.
Just a few details and tidbits to go over before I hand out the MAE, I SAID STOP LICKING YOUR BROTHER syllabus. Firstly, we have a unique schedule here at the academy. Classes start promptly at Whenever Momma Has The Energy and ends exactly at Momma Is About To Use The Big Curse Words.
Breakfast, lunch and dinner will all be served whenever I get around to it and the menu will always be macaroni and cheese because I have given up already and so help me if you keep rolling your eyes at me, Riker, I will make you write a 1,000 word essay on how pretty I am, kiddo. Now, at St. Momma’s Academy, you are allowed to go to the bathroom whenever you need, however, this does include the caveat that you cannot go at exactly the same time as Momma.
Alright, well, once I pass out these syllabuses (syllabi?) I feel we have put in a good day’s work for today already and I’ll see you all tomorrow. Now take this packet and go away. Farther. No, farther. FARTHER.
Introduction to the Quiet Game
This semester we will explore why silence is sometimes just as important as musical instruments.
Stick Figure Technique and Design
I can only teach what I know, tiny scholars.
ARE WE ALL GOING TO DIE!?: An Exploration of Modern Pandemics
This course will explain all the scary things you are hearing on the news and will mostly consist of reassurances that mommy and daddy and your grandparents and everyone you know and love will most likely not die any time soon.
We’re just making a crap ton of cookies and I’ll let you guys hold the measuring cups and hope you learn fractions via osmosis.
The FUNdamentals of Squirrel Chasing
First kid to catch one wins $20 and a cookie. GO!
We will be reading all the Harry Potter books together. No! Stop whining. I said, WE WILL BE READING ALL THE HARRY POTTER BOOKS TOGETHER.
Advanced Beverage Science
The morning class will focus on how to operate the coffee maker while the afternoon class will learn basic cocktail recipes. Lab work will be evaluated daily.
Exposure Don’t Pay The Bills, You Prick
This intensive course will explore why Momma makes little to no money as a writer even though she works her ass off. Extra credit given to any student who offers hugs when the professor inevitably breaks down in tears of rage.
The ‘90’s Were A Hell Of A Time, Kids.
We’re just going to look through Momma’s old photo albums while I drink whiskey and you guys drink apple juice in fancy glasses.
History of 1980’s Cinema
This mandatory elective will be M-F afternoons until possibly bedtime. Homework assignments include multiple viewings of “The Goonies,” “The Princess Bride,” “Labyrinth,” “The Dark Crystal” and “Willow,” among others. Any complaining results in automatic failure.