Category Archives: funny

Twas the Night Before Christmas: Parent Edition

Posted on December 24, 2023 | Leave a comment

Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the house

Not a creature was stirring…

…except for the children they had put to bed AN HOUR AGO

“I said go to sleep before I throw your presents OUT THE WINDOW!”

The stockings were hung by standing on a wobbly chair 

In the hopes that vertigo would not appear

The children were defiant, still not snug in their beds

“Yes, I see you, so help me I’ll throw a damned sugarplum at your head!”

And Mama in her sweatpants, fully done with everyone’s crap

Had just settled in with her very full nightcap 

When from out in the kitchen there arose such a clatter

Her dreams of a relaxing moment now utterly shattered

And what to her bleary eyes should appear 

But Daddy with the toolkit and an equally full beer

As he pulled out a screwdriver, her eye began to tic

She knew in a moment the rest would be no picnic

Oh dammit, oh bullshit, oh bloody stupid hell

“Oh come on, are you kidding me, I’mma need more zinfandel!”

So many toys that had to be assembled 

Their only comfort dark fantasies of elves being dismembered

So up until midnight the parents they toiled

Muttering to themselves about their offspring being too spoiled 

At one point poor dad had to pull ‘ol mom off the roof

Before handing her an eggnog that was 50 percent proof. 

Her bosom it shook like a bowlful of jelly

Filled as it was with rage and pork belly 

His face went all red, like an over-ripe cherry

That vein in his forehead throbbing until it was scary

They spoke not another word but went straight back to work

The nerves in their back and knees going completely berserk  

As the night wore on, the existential growing in their dread 

Their sanity began hanging on by a very thin thread 

By 3 a.m. they had finally reached their limit 

Not to mention they were out of the much needed liquid spirit

But the children they heard them, ‘ere they stumbled out of sight

“Happy Christmas to all and to all screw this shite!” 

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Posted in Family, funny, Holidays, Humor, Parenting

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Family Fight Night II: Hardcore Holiday Havoc

Posted on November 22, 2023 | Leave a comment

Hello and welcome to another epic battle here on Family Fight Night! And what a historical evening it’s shaping up to be. We’re your announcers for the evening, Stan Boomvoice and Tucker McThundercords. 

Historical is right, Stan. If you remember our last brawl, Mom and Dad came out on top with their expertly executed tag-team move, Just Desserts Means No Desserts, but tonight we’ve got the perfect storm brewing. It’s the holiday season and you know what that means.

Big Feelings, Tucker. Big Feelings all around. 

Right you are, Stan. It’s anyone’s fight tonight. I mean, just look at this lineup! You’ve got the Fourth Grader Dictator, the eldest with the edicts, who’s been dealing with fractions AND infractions all year long. Then there’s Little Sister Savage, that baby beast in baby pink, who is going through a fierce independent streak right now. And to top it off, here comes Daddy, the Big Bad Bacon Bringer himself, just coming off an excruciating three weeks of overtime. 

He can bring home the bacon but can he bring the pain? And let’s not forget the Matriarch of the Madhouse, Tucker. She’s taken on the full brunt of the domestic duties these past three weeks while also elbow deep in holiday prep and you can tell she’s starting to feel the effects. 

Elbow deep is right, Stan. Just ask the Thanksgiving turkey. Stress levels are at an all-time high on the whole, but particularly for Mumsy Mayhem today.

Just don’t let her hear you call her that, Tucker. Or she’ll be elbow deep in you.

Ha ha! She truly is terrifying, Stan. And speaking of Mommy Dearest, here she comes, straight outta the kitchen, wielding a ladle and lecture!

And we’re off! She’s coming out strong with the Why Is No One Helping Guilt Trip. What a power move! And it looks like it’s working. The kids are already looking to Daddy for help. What do you think is the right defense here, Tucker?

He could always try the Sincere Apology or the ever popular Play Dumb Gambit. But no! He’s going with The Gentle Reminder, telling her that not even 20 minutes ago she kicked them all out of the kitchen because they were getting in her way. Talk about risky, Stan!

Risky indeed. If it doesn’t diffuse the situation it’s bound to act as a powderkeg. And I don’t believe it! I don’t believe it! He got away with it! Receiving only a Glare-and-Growl from the Matriarch. They don’t call him The Stable Stallion for nothing, Tucker.

If you can’t stand the heat, get back into the kitchen! But this Proactive Progenitor isn’t off the hook yet, Stan. It appears a Sibling Skirmish has broken out, resulting in a full-on Remote Control Rough And Tumble. Oh, the humanity! 

I’m not surprised, Tucker. The rivalry between them has been simmering harder than mom’s gravy ever since this morning. The dynamics of The Dynamite Duo have changed over the past few months and it looks like The Sassy Lassie is ready to light a match! She is straight up dropping taunts like they’re baby teeth. 

Brother Bash isn’t liking that. Stan. 

No he is not, Tucker. Oh! They are really going at it! There’s a lot of moves Dad can pull here but remember, it’s a holiday, so it’s highly likely both Grounding and Go To Your Rooms are off the table. 

Do you think he can expect an assist from Mom here, Stan? 

Unlikely. She’s too busy whipping potatoes to whip some ass right now, Tucker. 

And would you look at that! It appears Papa Penalty has had enough after several failed Compromise Attempts and is coming in hot with the You Know What!? followed by the Power Off Flex. There’ll be retribution for this, for sure, Stan.

Oh, I can almost guarantee it, Tucker. And there it is! The Shrieks of Self-Righteousness. In stereo, no less! Oof! That’s gotta hurt. He’s getting it from all sides. 

But wait! What’s this? Saved by the dinner bell! Unbelievable!  

And just in time too! I don’t know how much longer Dad would have been able to hold out. But the kids aren’t done with him yet, Tucker. Looks like they’re teaming up to pull a Sulk & Pout at the table.

It’s a clever maneuver, Stan. Mom isn’t going to want to deal with that now that she’s finally got a chance to sit down. They’re likely hoping she’ll take their side and put the blame fully on Dad. 

Any other night it might have worked but the Sibling Squad forgot to factor in Mama’s Holiday Pour. 

Yes, they did. She’s three glasses of wine in already and using the Big Glass, Stan. She’s ignoring the whole dramatic display! Which can’t be easy, considering she cooked for 16 hours only to watch her kids eat rolls and mac-and-cheese while scowling. 

But these Chaos Kiddos refuse to give up. The Fun-Sized Femme Fatale is going straight into Fake Tears while The Son of Slam immediately goes on the defensive with his favorite go-to move, She Started It. Mom easily deflects it with I Don’t Care, I’m Ending It.

Sensing an opportunity and looking to gain favor, The Mischievous Maven switches effortlessly from Fake Tears to Full-On Fawning, giving Mom a gentle chokehold.

I believe that’s called a hug, Tucker. Oh-ho, but it appears there’s an ulterior motive! A Very Pointed Smirk thrown directly her brother’s way and behind Mom’s back! This Disney princess must have a death wish.

But what’s this! From out of nowhere! An Illegal Roll Throw from across the table! Hitting his sister right in the kisser! It’s well known that he doesn’t like to lose and he’s willing to risk it all to prove it. And here comes Mom, flying off the ropes with the expletives! It looks like The Mental Load Carrier has finally gone mental! Oh, I tell you, Stan, I’ve never seen the vein in Mom’s forehead throbbing this hard before.

Looks like in an act of desperation, her current opponent has decided to double down with The No One Understands Me Storm Off! We haven’t seen this move since Tuesday’s spaghetti night, Tucker. 

Mama certainly does not look happy. And if mama ain’t happy, ain’t nobody happy and she is willing to throw hands to make it happen. But what’s this now? Hold up! The unthinkable has happened! It looks like Mom is waving the white flag, using the only weapon left in her arsenal, The Tears Of The Unappreciated. 

And just look at that! Talk about an emotional gusher! Actual Crocodile Tears! And at her age, still able to do it! One has to wonder, Tucker, where is Daddy in all of this? 

Regardless, it looks like it’s working, Stan. Both kids are executing a perfect Head Hung In Shame followed by a Mumbled But Still Fairly Sincere Apology. We haven’t seen this kind of turnaround since her Disastrous Birthday Dinner of 2020. 

It’s not over yet, Tucker. Because here comes Dad, from his mysterious doings in the kitchen, walking in with the rarely used I’ve Got Something Hidden Behind My Back Gimmick. Whatever it is, it better be good. Things are looking pretty bleak. 

He’s starting with a powerful left swing and it’s…a cheesecake! With cherries AND a chocolate crust! Good start, good start, but Mom is still giving her Fake But I Appreciate The Effort Smile. Yet to be deterred, he’s now swinging in hard with the right, revealing …Another Bottle Of Wine! 

OH! I think I might go blind from that pearly-white-from-ear-to-ear grin Mom just whipped out of nowhere! And can you believe it, the children are actually applauding!

It is quite the anti-climatic ending, Stan, but a heartwarming one nonetheless. 

Looks like everyone’s a winner here tonight, Tucker. That is until the Who Has To Help Clean Up Fracas that is looming, but unfortunately that’s all the time we have. Happy Thanksgiving, everyone! 

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Posted in cooking, Family, Food, funny, Holidays, Humor, Marriage, Parenting, Sports

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An offer letter to that creepy and obviously haunted house for sale

Posted on October 31, 2023 | Leave a comment

Dear owners of the sweet, dilapidated Victorian house that is clearly haunted,

My name is Aprill and my husband and I have been searching for the perfect home for our growing family for years. In fact, at this point, we are searching for anything with a roof that isn’t being sold for half a million dollars. So when we saw yours listed for significantly below market price, we instantly fell in love. We think it’s the perfect price to slide ever deeper into crippling debt. But with your beautiful decrepit home, it will be slightly less crippling debt and a great space to make amazing memories with our two beautiful children and adorable little puppy. 

I mean, a 5,000 square foot crumbling house with seven bedrooms, four bathrooms and a horrific past? Not to mention the six acres, complete with its own pet cemetery and a spooky well? Dream. Come. True. At least in this housing market. Even with the clearly haunted aspects. 

Poltergeist? No problem. I already wake up nightly to small, heavy breathing, terrifying presences standing right by my bed, demanding water and another bedtime story. 

Strange banging sounds and an evil spirit yelling “GET OUT” at all hours? Not an issue. We currently live on the second floor of a triple decker and our downstairs neighbors hate us. Like, HATE US. They are always banging on the ceiling when we dare so much as to sneeze and are constantly trying to get us evicted. So we will feel right at home. 

Blood coming from the walls? Good with it. My dog once had diarrhea on the couch. And my bed. And the stairs, because they are the only carpeted part of the house. Also, ever since I hit my 40’s, my periods are straight up like that elevator scene from “The Shining” so I am far from squeamish. 

There was a murder? A suicide? A murder-suicide? Cool. Cool cool cool. I’ve been sharing one bathroom with my husband and children for a decade now. Trust me, nothing is more ghastly than what I have faced walking into that space on the daily. 

Oh, an old gross ghost lady always hanging out in the bathtub, you say? As long as she lets me poop in peace, it’s fine by me. 

Demonic possession? Have fun dealing with my chronic anxiety and insomnia, my dark friend. Plus, I once had a child projectile vomit mashed potatoes all over me and the kitchen table, so no biggie. Besides, my kids are 7 and 9 right now, and we are staring down puberty, just right over there on the horizon. That’s when I’ll really need an exorcism, am I right? 

Look, it’s pretty hard to scare me at this point. And nothing is scarier than this ridiculous housing market. My expectations could not possibly get lower, which is why I can already see myself hanging out on your tumbledown wraparound porch, sharing a coffee with my new poltergeist bestie. The two of us happily watching while my dog frolics with the reanimated cat corpses, and my son plays chase with the spooky girl who comes up out of the well, and my daughter is busy whispering murderous secrets with the creepy Victorian doll she found up in the attic. 

Now I know, even with the steep discount, your home is still a bit out of our price range, because our ideal price range is zero. But we just had to take a chance on an offer because it’s everything we’ve ever wanted in a home. Or at least everything we are willing to put up with in a home in these dystopian times. 

And I know you probably already have many other offers because the world has gone insane, but I assure you my family and I will go out of our way to make every horrific entity that lives in your house feel right at home. 

Thank you so much for your time and consideration. And please tell Bathtub Granny I said hello. 

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Posted in Family, funny, Humor, Parenting, Pets

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A Love Letter to my Husband on our 13th Wedding Anniversary

Posted on March 1, 2023 | Leave a comment

Dearest husband, 

Where do I even begin? Where does one start with a love like ours? After 13 years of marriage it’s still as strong as ever. When I look into your eyes I still see the…wait, wait, come sit on my other side, I slept weird last night and my neck won’t turn that way now. 

As I was saying, when I look into your eyes, I still see the eyes of the young man I married. 

And some crazy long eyebrow hairs. Wow, those really went to seed over the years, eh? Oh, that reminds me, did I tell you I found another hair on my chin the other day? Black as night. I feel like a lady dwarf. 

Where was I? Right. I don’t know about you, but I wouldn’t change a thing (that blowout fight we had about whether the Hulk is actually a hero notwithstanding). I still remember our wedding day as though it was yesterday. And I remember the hangover the following day even better. The sight of champagne still makes me want to die. Remember when I lost my shoe? Heh. 

Seriously though, you’ve made me a better person. I always replace the toilet paper roll now, ever since The Great Toilet Paper Roll Argument of 2012. You are such a patient and gentle and kind person. And let’s be honest, I can be a ridiculous creature from time to time, so it can’t always be easy…OK, you don’t need to nod quite so vigorously… 

We’ve been through so much together. Moving across the country, not once but twice. Traveling the world. That time I got bangs. 

We even survived a pandemic together. And through it all we’ve only grown closer. Especially now that you’re back in the office three days a week and I’m able to swallow my intense rage at your VERY LOUD ZOOM VOICE. “HEY CHRISTINA, LET’S CIRCLE BACK TO…” Oh yes, you are that loud. I’m not exaggerating, buddy. Not even a little. 

But most importantly, you’ve given me two beautiful children and for that I can never thank you enough. Remembering the smell of their tiny heads and their soft breathing against my chest and their little baby giggles brings me such joy and helps me slog through this new phase of their childhood filled with endless eye rolling and getting called “dude” multiple times a day. 

We’ve built a beautiful life together in our beautiful home. And even though we still have to rent that home because house prices skyrocketed the second we started looking to buy, the memories we’ve made here can never be evicted. That reminds me, did you remember to call the bank? Or was I supposed to do that? We should really get on that. And that first time home buyer program thingie. Hang on, I’m going to make a note in my planner. Oh! I’ll make it right beside the note that says “buy anniversary card and gift.” Sorry about that. But hey, check out this marriage related meme I found yesterday. Hang on, hang on, where is it? There it is. Check it out. Your cheaters are on top of your head, babe. I know! Funny right? 

Look, I know things are always crazy now with the kids and the activities and work schedules and play dates and speaking of which I completely spaced on scheduling one of those so we could go out. Dammit. 

Well, how about tonight I cook us a homemade dinner? Steak, perhaps? Oh crap, what time is it? Nevermind, it’s too late to defrost them. OK, how about I order us a home cooked meal? Yeah? What’s the name of that place you like? Oh god no, I hate that place. The other place. Yes, the one I love. That’s the one. I’ll order us a nice meal and even call the restaurant myself this time when they’re late with the order and it arrives cold again. Oh! I do have that board meeting tonight at 6 pm, I just remembered, and our youngest has science club after school and the kids need a bath but then, maybe when the kids go to bed we could…oh wait, I haven’t shaved. It’s been like two weeks. Kidding. It’s three. And I already put on my good sweatpants (for YOU, of course). Are you still working from home Friday? Maybe after I take the kids to school and run to Target for a razor (I think the last one committed suicide) we can finally celebrate physically (WINK). Yeah, oh yeah, check your meeting schedule first and get back to me. 

But you know what? It doesn’t matter how we celebrate. Or when. The point is we’re still in this together and still in love and I look forward to spending 37 minutes picking out something to watch tonight and then pausing it so we can get the one kid a glass of water and tell the other kid that we can talk about which dinosaurs would win a fight against a hoard of zombies tomorrow and then falling asleep within 10 minutes after that on the couch and then growling like a feral coyote at you when you wake me up to go to bed because every time I sleep on the couch my neck gets all wonky. 

Happy anniversary, my love. There is no one else I’d rather embrace the suck with than you.

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Posted in Family, funny, Humor, Love, Marriage, Parenting

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A review of my 6-year-old’s hair salon

Posted on January 5, 2023 | 3 comments

Located in the vibrant heart of downtown Living Room, My Daughter’s Hair Salon is a small, female-owned business that recently opened 20 minutes ago. The owner’s name is “Stacy,” spelled with just a “y.” Wait. No, yeah. Not “ey.” 

Although I wasn’t looking to get my hair done, the salon’s convenient location and “Stacy’s” rather persistent attitude convinced me otherwise. As it turns out, I was lucky she was even able to squeeze me in.

“Everyone wants to look nice after the holidays so I’ve been SO busy,” “Stacy” told me as she assessed my admittedly neglected locks. “I’ve had 50 clients so far. You’re my 51st client today.”

“Wow,” I responded. “You must be really tired.”

“Oh, I am. Especially because I also have all my kids.”

At only the young age of 6, “Stacy” already has 10 children. Five boys and five girls. In fact, just that morning she gave birth, she told me, much to my astonishment.

“Wow,” I responded again. “Should you even be working?”

It’s alright, she said. Her husband is taking care of the baby now and all the other 10 children. 

“How do you do it all?” I asked her, as she enthusiastically attacked my curls. 

“I honestly don’t know,” she sighed. “It’s very loud at my house.”

As she continued to brush my hair, only getting the brush stuck twice, I asked “Stacy”…

Wait, it is “ey” on second thought…

…I asked “Stacey” where she learned hair styling. She studied in high school AND college, she informed me before, ever the professional, switching the subject back to my hair. 

“Do you normally have curly hair?”

“Yes.” 

“It’s really tangled.”

“Yeah.”

“I’m gonna straighten it.”

“That’s probably not a good idea.”

“OK, well, then look through this magazine and let me know what hairstyle you want,” she said, handing me a Fancy Nancy book.

“Um…how about this one?” I said, pointing to a random illustration.

“I call that one The Teasey.”

“Perfect.”

“Except I think I’m just going to straighten your hair.”

The straightening process at My Daughter’s Hair Salon consists of vigorous brush work and an arsenal of rather pointy hair accessories. If there is one thing you can say about “Stacey” it’s that she is highly dedicated to the ideal of “beauty is pain.” At one point, I winced and let out a little cry. 

“Does that hurt?” “Stacey” asked me with something approaching a hint of possible sympathy.

“Oh, just a wee bit,” I answered as I looked for my chunk of missing scalp on the floor.

Luckily, like many of the best in the business, “Stacey” has mastered the art of Client Small Talk as a means of distraction. 

“So, how about you? You got kids?” she asked as she shoved a bobby pin deep into my cerebral cortex.

“I do,” I grunted. “A boy and a girl.”

“The girl sounds lovely.”

“She is.”

“She sounds really smart and pretty too.”

“She’s definitely strong!” I screamed as another bobby pin pushed into a hopefully not vital section of my brain.

“Hang on, I’m working really hard, I need a sip of my coffee,” she said, pausing to pick up her mug as I sobbed in relief. 

“Absolutely. Take your time,” I replied while wiping blood out of my eyes. 

“It’s definitely coffee in here. Not water.”

“I definitely believe you.”

During her coffee break, she confided to me that she was going on vacation to Florida soon. In fact, right after my appointment.

“What will you do in Florida?” I asked.

“Oh, all the Florida things,” Stacey answered. “Although my husband won’t let me go back to Johnny’s Store *whispers* it’s a pizza place because they put sauce on his pizza but I love the place but he was like we are NEVER coming back even though I love their pizza with mushroom *whispers* pretend I like mushrooms and last time I was in Florida I went to a salon and they messed up my hair like it wasn’t even in the magazine and I was like no way, never again.”

Fortunately, “Stacey” could never be accused of messing up someone’s hair. At least not while she has three more dozen weaponized bobby pins within arm’s reach. Her professionalism was rivaled only by her freakishly strong upper body strength. 

I was a bit surprised (albeit relieved), however, when she told me halfway through that she had to stop and finish my hair the next day. 

“Wait, what?” I asked, confused. 

“Yeah. My brother is playing on his tablet and now I want to play on mine,” she told me cheerily before scampering off. But she only charged me fifty-two-hundred-eleven, which I was informed was quite the deal. 

So all in all, I would rate My Daughter’s Hair Salon 13/10. Highly recommend. 

Although that could be the brain damage talking. 

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Posted in Beauty, Family, funny, Humor, Parenting

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(Flu) Season’s Greetings

Posted on December 8, 2022 | 2 comments

My daughter has a fever. A runny nose. A headache.  

And she’s never been happier. 

See, it finally happened. After suffering endless medical maladies with vague symptoms she couldn’t prove, my 6-year-old, at long last, is Officially Sick. 

Sick and staying home from school today. 

It might seem an odd thing to say, but no one deserves it more than her. She has worked so hard for this day, striving single-mindedly to hit this goal since school started way back at the end of August. 

Every morning before school, we go through the same routine. 

“Mama, do I look pale?” she asks. 

“Nope, you look fine to me,” I reply. 

“Can you take my temperature?” she asks.

“98.6,” I read off the thermometer. 

“That sounds bad.” 

“It’s exactly what it should be.”

“Are you sure? Maybe we should call the doctor.”

“You’re fine.”

“My tongue feels weird. It feels pretty serious.”

When none of her efforts work and she’s forced (on the brink of death no less) to go to school, she turns to the only one who can help her now. The school nurse. A lovely woman whom I hope never to run into because my daughter manages to go to her office DAILY. 

Thus far in her first grade career she has had: 

Stomach ache.

Tummy troubles (it’s DIFFERENT, I’m informed).

Ear infection.

No, WAIT. Double ear infection. 

Almost broken arm.

A nearly fatal papercut.

Diabetes. Lots of it. 

Almost broken leg. 

Asthma. It can be deadly, you know. 

Poked eye. But like, a really bad poke. 

Allergy to carrots. Even if she’s not the one eating them, just someone in the world is. 

And after watching a version of “A Christmas Carol,” she was certain she had come down with tuberculosis. Once I explained to her what tuberculosis was. 

This is a child who was never so sad as when her brother got COVID last year and got to stay home for seven days. SEVEN. She never even got COVID. Which led to fun conversations such as “stop wishing for COVID” and “don’t you dare ask Santa for COVID.”

But now, OH! Finally! She is legitimately sick. With a respectable 102.4 fever. As she’s lounging on the couch daintily eating goldfish crackers and watching her seventeenth episode of “Bluey,” she proclaims this is the best day ever. Later, once she comes to her senses and out of her fever-induced fog, she amends it to “well, technically the holidays are my favorite day but today is my second favorite.”

When the medicine kicks in and I tell her she seems to be feeling better as she is bouncing (quite literally) on top of my head, suddenly a bout of terrible coughing engulfs her. The tuberculosis is back, she regretfully tells me. 

“I might *cough* have to stay home *cough cough* another day,” she says, unable to hide her smile. “Maybe even *cough hack cough* all week. …can you make me some mac and cheese, mama? And get me my stuffie? And my blankie? Oh! And I need more tissues! A juice box would be awesome right now…*cough*”

Yes, ‘tis truly the most wonderful time of the year. 

For some of us. 

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Posted in Family, funny, Health, Holidays, Humor, Parenting

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An update from your favorite mediocre mom

Posted on November 15, 2022 | 6 comments

So it’s been a minute. Sorry I haven’t written in awhile (to the few of you who still read these). But I have two very good reasons. 

The first was that my husband and I went to Ireland for two weeks in October. We even managed to go without our children after somehow convincing my mom to watch our feral brood (and we’re hoping to be back on speaking terms with Memaw any day now). 

The entire experience was straight out of a fairy tale. But instead of having a meet-cute and falling in love on the windswept Cliffs of Moher, we’ve been together for 15 years and privately mocked all the giddy, lovestruck idiots who went right up to the cliff edge to get the perfect selfie despite many signs stating emphatically that that was a very good way to die. We even got caught in a downpour after touring a castle and ran to the nearest pub soaking wet, where we ordered some beers, looked lovingly into each other’s eyes and complained about how loud the music was. 

It was a dream come true. 

Which led to another dream come true. 

Perhaps it was because I had my full brain power for two weeks, or maybe having this big adventure reminded me that before children I was an actual human being with hopes and dreams and a decently working bladder, but last week I finally finished the first draft of a novel I’ve been working on all year. 

It’s terrible. 

But it’s out of my head. All 90,000 words are out of my head and written down and existing in the world, complete with The End in giant font on the last page because I am nothing if not dramatic. 

It exists and someday (hopefully soon) it might even be, dare I dream, above average. I’ve always wanted to be an author and figured it was time to actually make it happen. 

Besides, I’ve also always wanted to read a fantasy novel where the heroine is a busy, tired mom who doesn’t have time for all this hero crap but someone has to do it so everybody move aside and somebody hand her a sword. Added bonus if the book also depicts children in all their blood-thirsty, weapon wielding, fearless, psychopathic glory. 

Because moms are strong and children are brave (and terrifying).

I want to read that book. So I wrote it. 

And I hope someday (hopefully soon) you get to read it. 

But lest you think I have transformed into a fully functional and complex person now, I can assure you I am still the lovable grumpy hot mess of a mom you all know and love. And so, until I can get around to writing my next post about my children showering with their socks on (WHY!?), I’ll leave you with these recent poignant moments of motherhood. 

This morning while getting ready for school, no one was listening and when they did, everything was met with irrational counter-demands and complaining. 

“Sometimes I just feel like I’m failing on all fronts as a mother,” I finally exclaimed in desperation. 

My 8-year-old son, my beautiful baby boy, stopped mid-whine and looked at me with concern on his face. He pulled me down to his level, put a reassuring hand on my shoulder and looked me dead in the eye with his soulful brown eyes. 

“Oh mama,” he said “You’re…I mean, listen, you’re doing okay as a mom.”

That’s right. So sorry, other mothers. The title of World’s Okayest Mom is officially mine. 

And then last night at dinner, my 6-year-old daughter whispered to me “hey, mom, look” and pulled down her sock to reveal a small Lego sword hidden in there. “It’s in case someone does something I don’t like, I can stab them.”

World’s Okayest Mom, indeed. 

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Posted in Family, funny, Humor, Marriage, Parenting, Travel, Writing

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How to have the perfect apple picking experience

Posted on September 21, 2022 | 2 comments

The sky is a perfect cerulean blue, there is a hint of chilliness in the air and if you listen hard enough you can almost hear the screeching death wail of summer. It’s finally time. Time to go apple picking! Because you promised yourself you would give the kids less stuff and more experiences. Which you didn’t actually mean but then made the mistake of mentioning it to them after your second glass of wine last night and they have NOT forgotten. 

The first thing you’ll want to do is get an early start. Because everyone else has also decided today is the perfect day for apple picking. And no, it doesn’t matter what day you pick. It’s always that day. 

Of course, this means gently herding everyone out of the house. And when that fails three times, screaming at everyone to hurry the hell up and get into the goddamn van. Which they will absolutely do after three trips to the bathroom, a meltdown over a weird sock bump and a fruitless argument about how many stuffies everyone is allowed to bring (in theory none, in practice three each). 

Now, no family-friendly fun-filled trip to the apple orchard is complete without a scenic drive down some picturesque roads. Try to remember this beauty and wholesome moment together as you finally arrive and immediately get into the Parental Parking Lot Fight. Because the driveway is right there. Right THER…well, you passed it. No, that’s the exit. Turn LEFT! Right THERE. See the sign! No, to the LEFT. Not that parking lot, it clearly says birthday party parking, the OTHER one. 

Don’t worry though. Any lingering anger over parking (and then getting out and then getting back in and parking again because you were wrong, it WAS the birthday party parking lot you were supposed to go to, not that you’ll ever admit you were wrong, the signs are stupid and confusing), will eventually dissipate when you head to the cashier and the Sticker Shock sets in. Because it IS that much. And no, it doesn’t include that. Or that. Those are separate tickets. 

But hey, you made it! It’s important to note here that the first ten minutes of apple picking is the Actual Genuine Fun Window. Savor this. Even when something in a hay bale bites your butt, ignore it because the kids are literally full of joy right now and running around in nature, squealing with delight in the fresh air. It’s downright magical. This is the time to take 600 almost identical photos. 

Soon however, you’ll notice how hot it is. It’s really hot. Stupid hot. Because every year you think September will feel like fall but it never does. Why did you wear a sweater? And why is this orchard so big? Oh, and look, somehow your youngest pulled off an entire branch of an apple tree even though she is the size of a pixie and you could yeet her over to the pear tree section if so inclined. And you don’t even know where your other kid is. 

This is when you’ll remember you saw a hard cider tent on the brochure. 

In total, there will be no less than five sibling fights, three tantrums and one dramatic storming off (before said stormer realizes there is nowhere to storm off to in this godforsaken Land of Endless Apples). Feel free to get creative with your hissed threats. As in “I swear to god if you little gobshites don’t knock it off we will sell you to the farmer and he will use you as scarecrows.” And don’t worry if anyone else hears you. They will be too busy threatening their own kids. 

After lugging a gigantic bag of apples around (one bushel being the equivalent of 780 apples) there is nothing you’ll want to do more than rest and have a hard cider. Which is why next on your agenda is going through the mazes! All three of them! None of which are anywhere close to you or close to each other.  

The first maze will take forever, which is why when you end up coming out the entrance you accept victory because at one point you did have a fairly legitimate fear you would die in there. 

Luckily the second maze is kids-only. Make sure to stand in the hot sun next to the super chill parents that use phrases like “it’s such luxury garbage” so that you and your partner can bond over how much you hate these other parents while you wait. 

Time for an apple cider donut break! Which you’ll awkwardly eat standing up on exhausted legs after standing in a 20 minute line because one of the kids saw a bee over by the picnic tables and refuses to get within ten feet of them now. But the good news is the hard cider tent is also nowhere near the apple cider donut stand. 

After fighting over caramel apples (because you are NOT getting back in that line) and pulling the youngest out of the goat pen that she somehow managed to get inside of, you will be ready to pack it up and call it a day. Once you find your other kid. 

Oop, but you forgot about the third maze and you PROMISED. And yes, the third maze is in the complete opposite direction of the parking lot. On the plus side, you will be only the second loudest arguing family in the maze, the first being the one led by Nate, as in “Dammit Nate, how do you keep finding every single dead end!?” If you make it out alive, you’ll hope to befriend these people who are just as miserable as you. 

It goes without saying but the hard cider tent is also not inside this maze. 

Finally it’s time to head home. After buying two gigantic pumpkins PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE that you’ll have to lug all the away across the parking lot because you just don’t have any fight left in you. 

As you drive away, you will finally see the hard cider tent. You give it a sad little wave and head off into the sunset, on your way back home where you will look up apple pie recipes that you never actually intend to make. 

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So, how was school today?

Posted on September 2, 2022 | Leave a comment

Well, the first week of school is officially over. And what an amazing week it was!

I think.

I actually have no idea what is going on, because small humans are awful at communicating (albeit very good at communicating awfully loudly). So far, this is the information I’ve managed to glean from our chaotic post-school conversations:

No one noticed the first grader’s very new, very super cool LOL doll-thing snack bag. 

Third grader: Zombies!

OR HER NEW LIGHT UP SHOES!

Third grader: Zombie blood! 

Someone did mention her dress pockets though.

Lunch on Wednesdays is pizza. Duh. Everyone knows that. 

First grader is pissed they haven’t learned science yet. 

I did not pack them nearly enough snacks. 

So many more graphic details about zombies for some reason. Random reference to Minecraft. 

THEY’RE STARVING. 

First grader got a lollipop from someone. She thinks their name might be Fuchsia. 

Third grader’s teacher’s name is pronounced Frlskjfkshfkjsh (98 percent sure this is incorrect).

First grader LOVES her teacher. Teachers. First grader has three teachers this year ??? One is Mrs. Theolien. One has blonde hair. One is *indecipherable murmuring*

Zombie blood coming out of all kinds of eyeballs! And butts! And penises! 

First grader can take out TWO library books this year. 

I bought the wrong cartoon-shaped graham crackers. 

Apparently all zombie content is related to playground game and/or unsanctioned LARPing during class time. Or video game ???

Third grader can TOO wear a hat all day in the building, MOM.

Yasmin has better snacks. 

ON CHICKEN PATTY DAY THIRD GRADER DID NOT HAVE ENOUGH TIME TO EAT ENTIRE CHICKEN PATTY. THIS WAS NOT OK. 

There are anywhere from two to five third grade teachers. They all wear glasses. One is a man. Although he might teach fourth grade. 

Once again, the first grader did not do any science experiments involving goggles and dangerous chemicals that go BOOM. 

Third grader may have illegally drawn a few new pages in his comic book during class time but the POINT IS he didn’t get caught. 

Comic book is about zombies. 

Wait, maybe Fuchsia isn’t her name. It might be Sparkle Shine. 

Third grader has a locker! His very own! 

First grader is devastated that she has a mere cubby. 

Third grader’s locker doesn’t have an actual lock, if that makes her feel better. 

It weirdly does. 

Can first grader spend the night at Lollipop Girl’s house, whose name is definitely Jessamalyn, this weekend? Or maybe her name is Fuchsia? Yeah, definitely Fuchsia. PLEASE?

Third grader’s socks felt weird but he didn’t have a tantrum because he was at school. Also he is going to be a zombie for Halloween. 

MOM! PERIWINKLE IS MY BEST FRIEND! WHY CAN’T I SPEND THE NIGHT AT HER HOUSE?

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There’s no place like home alone

Posted on August 17, 2022 | Leave a comment

So…here we are.

Hey. 

Hi, I guess. 

Sorry. This just feels so awkward. It’s been so long since we’ve been…alone. As I’m sure you’ve heard (or actually not heard by the silence that has blissfully descended), the family is gone. Off visiting the in-laws. It’s just you and me, house. 

You and me for an entire week. 

I know, I can’t quite believe it either. You can thank the airlines and their ridiculous ticket prices. 

Wow, I can’t even remember the last time it was simply us. It’s been, what, years? Between having small children and then the pandemic with all its remote work and school. You look good, by the way. Although you’ve changed a bit. Though I suppose I have too. We both look older. And after the pregnancies, we both have things that were never put back the way they were. We definitely both creak and groan more. Now if only I could pass mine off as “it’s just my body settling,” eh?

Again, I apologize. I tend to make bad jokes when I’m nervous (and also pretty much during every other emotion, but I digress). 

This is silly though. Back in the day, we spent plenty of time alone together. You’ve seen me naked, for god’s sake. Like A LOT. And you’re still the only one who knows about the weird thing I do in the shower. 

Speaking of bathrooms, I’m still trying to wrap my head around the idea that whenever I go in there it will still be in the same state I left it in. No towels on the floor. No giant mystery mounds of toothpaste in the sink that everyone SWEARS they didn’t do. And, oh my god, this week all pee will actually end up in the toilet where it’s supposed to be! 

We’re LIVING THE DREAM, dear house. 

So, what should we do? Do we reenact “Home Alone” or “Risky Business” first? Or eat? On the couch? While binge watching all the old “Sex in the City” episodes so I can say “wow, this has not held up well” every seven minutes? Or NAP! Oooo…should we nap? Just a nice little 14-hour nap? Or maybe light a bunch of candles and write all my very deep emo thoughts in a journal, straight up college style?

Even better, I could work on the truly terrible first draft of my novel without stopping mid-sentence to scream “turn off the kitchen light!” or “stop murdering each other, you’ll get blood on the floor!” 

Or…do you want to maybe get a bit naughty? Perhaps break open a bottle of wine, turn on some music and FINALLY go through the kids’ toy boxes? We can actually throw crap away! Without tiny humans wailing their keening songs on your floor. (And maybe then I’ll stop having that nightmare where I die under an avalanche of dismembered Mr. Potato Head body parts and what I hope are chocolate-stained stuffies). 

Or, even naughtier, let’s order an irresponsible amount of Chinese food even though we have a fridge full of healthy groceries and spend two hours complaining to my mom on the phone about my ungrateful children. Oof, I got goosebumps just thinking about that one. 

Man, I tell you what, house, I am so happy right now. 

Oh, don’t look at me like that. It’s not like I don’t love my family. They are the best thing that has ever happened to me. Truly. 

The best thing that happens day after day after day after middle of the night after before dawn after day to me. 

I can’t wait to miss them.

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