Tag Archives: twas the night before christmas

‘Twas the month before Christmas…

This one is dedicated to my husband, the brave hunter

‘Twas a month before Christmas, when all through the house
Not a creature was stirring, except for my husband (who was hunting a mouse).
The traps were all placed in the kitchen with care
In the hopes that a dead rodent soon would be there.

I was nestled all snug and a ‘lil drunk in my bed
While visions of sexy fun times danced in my head
But Ryan in his PJ’s, armed with those silly traps
Refused to stop ’til he won against those rats

When suddenly, BOOM! There arose such a clatter
I fell (gracefully) out of bed to see what was the matter
Away to the kitchen I stumbled all lady-like
Cause sweatpants are always classy, am I right?

Through the haze of perhaps a bit too much wine
I looked around to find that husband of mine
When what to my wondering eyes should appear
But him laying on the floor, on his face a big sneer

“I found him, babe! I have him caught under here!”
He declared, so happy his victory was so near
But alas, the poor man was about to lose face
Because soon a half-dozen more took its place

Now, look here Mighty! And you too, Minnie and Mickey!
And don’t think I forgot you, the Brain and dumbass Pinkie!
You guys are all over, coming out of the walls
And I want to bash your stupid heads, bash away them all

Get the hell outta my house, you tiny assholes
You rejects of nature, you hamsters without souls
You’ve invaded our home for much, much too long
And the way you’ve invaded our life is just wrong

Because it’s the same thing every single night
The scurrying and pawing happening just out of sight
And us laying in bed, seething at the thought
Of the havoc and ickiness you have wrought

And trust me, no lie, I used to feel bad for you
Buying humane traps and making much ado
About how your stupid little lives mattered too
A decision I would quickly come to rue

Because your eyes! How evil and so beady!
Your tails, ugh, so gross! Your motives how seedy!
Your stupid little mouths and your need to pee
Not to mention poop on every surface I can see

Thanks to you jerks I now compulsively clean
A habit now I don’t think I’ll ever ween
Going to Lady MacBeth lengths, until I’ve bloody hands
While you laugh and mock and take over the land

But while you have won the battles thus far
We’ll win the war and rule like demonic czars
Turning our house into a mecca of death
Hunting you down like addicts looking for meth

Cause while you may have evaded all our tricks
Never taking the bait and getting your kicks
From outsmarting us and making us look daft
Live it up because, trust me, we’ll have the last laugh

So forget poison and those glue traps as well
Because our next idea is downright next to swell
And I don’t think I’m lying when I say you’ll be quite smitten
With the fact I’m going out and adopting a litter of kittens

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Suck it, Dickinson

I am no poet.

In fact, despite a few faux teen angsty attempts (chock full of delightful phrases such as “my black soul mirrored in my black stained tears”), I came to the conclusion rather early that I really, really, really hate poetry. In fact, I have a pretty unhealthy hatred toward Emily Dickinson thanks to being forced to spend one entire semester with her.

That said, however, I am wicked awesome at parodying poems. In fact, in some circles (my dog and my husband…but he’s kind of on the fence) I’m considered the Weird Al of poem parodies.

For instance, I once had to cover Black Friday a few years back for a newspaper assignment. You know the only thing worse than trying to shop on Black Friday? Trying to get people who are trying to shop on Black Friday to talk to you for a newspaper article.

I was lucky I wasn’t murdered with a 40 percent off flat screen.

But I decided to make the best of it and turned it into “Twas the Morning of Black Friday.”

Granted, for all my parodying skills, I’m not necessarily super creative. So when I wanted to celebrate tomorrow being the first day of fall, I wrote “Twas the Night Before Autumn” for Boston’s Weekly Dig.

But I thought I’d share them with you anyway. And perhaps I’ll turn them into a trilogy. “Twas the Evening after Thanksgiving Dinner” sounds like it might have potential.

Happy first day of fall eve, everybody!