Tag Archives: birthday

31 Things I’ve Learned in 31 Years

1. Yoga pants are a lot more fun to wear when you’re not actually doing yoga.

2. Facebook has turned a whole generation of people into really crappy philosophers.

3. Your 20’s are the time to make mistakes. Your 30’s are the time to make fun of idiotic people in their 20’s.

4. A true friend is someone who doesn’t send you spam email about what a true friend is.

5. People who are the most uninformed about politics are usually the ones on TV screaming about them.

6. Cheese is…it’s…it’s just amazing.

7. Free never actually means free.

8. A dog wearing the cone of shame and trying to climb up stairs is simultaneously the funniest and saddest thing you will ever see.

9. Speaking of dogs, they don’t need all-organic, gourmet food. They say hello by sniffing butts and consider random sidewalk vomit a treat. They’ll be just dandy with plain ‘ol dog food.

10. Throw out every diet book you’ve ever bought. If the diet actually worked, it’d be a bigger seller than the Bible and the dictionary combined and we’d all be a size six.

11. America may have its issues, but the one thing we got right is our superb “standing in line” skills.

12. Everyone should strive to see as much of the world as possible. If anything, just so you can truly understand why America’s superb “standing in line” skills are so important.

13. When your biological clock finally finds batteries, babies magically stop looking like loud, whiny blobs and actually start looking like adorable mini-humans.

14. Relentlessly pursuing happiness is bound to make you unhappy. You can’t feel the peaks of happiness if you try to ignore the valleys of sadness and the seemingly endless plateaus of “meh.”

15. Delicate ecosystem balance aside, all spiders should be systematically hunted down and murdered in cold blood.

16. Having Instagram does not make you a photographer.

17. Giving your kid a normal name that is “creatively” spelled is only fun for you.

18. People will judge you based solely on your iPod’s playlist.

19. The key to a good marriage is not marrying a celebrity.

20. LOL is not an appropriate way to end a sentence. And never will be.

21. Never put too much stock in winning awards. Just remember: Kathie Lee and Hoda have won multiple Emmys.

22. Orange is not a desirable skin tone.

23. When you start to feel bad about your age, rejoice in the fact your teenaged self never had YouTube, Twitter and Facebook to record all your stupid thoughts and most embarrassing moments.

24. You’re never too old for Jell-O shots.

25. Cooking is only fun if you don’t HAVE to do it.

26. Another key to a good marriage: Marry someone you like doing boring things with because doing boring things together will constitute about 90 percent of your relationship.

27. You never know how strong you are until you have to pee really bad and the line to the bathroom is 20 people deep.

28. Cheese really is just so amazing. I know I already said that but it just really, really is.

29. Age ain’t nothing but a number. Size ain’t nothing but a tag in your clothes that can easily be cut out.

30. You don’t truly know someone until you share a bathroom with them.

31. Mmm…cheese.

I’m really starting to hate you, Mark Zuckerberg

Well, it finally came. My 30th birthday was Monday (meaning when people now ask me my age, my go-to response henceforth will be “vintage”…and for them to “stop being so damn nosy”).

It ended up being a really good birthday. Well, except for the morning, which was spent trying to clean up a VERY BAD dog who thought a wonderful gift to his owner would be rolling around in some other dog’s fresh poo (consequently, he is now on canine probation).

But the afternoon was spent with my friend Patrick, where we had a shamelessly nerdy time drinking at coffeehouses, perusing used book stores and discussing “Battlestar Galactica” over beer (or to sum up for fans of “The Office”: Books. Beers. Battlestar Galactica.). And the evening was spent drinking wine with my husband and watching a penis-shrinking chick flick.

And then, as night rolled around, I spent the next three hours on my laptop, frantically trying to respond to the 900 million or so posts I received on Facebook.

See, it used to be that on your birthday, you’d get a couple of cards in the mail, a phone call from your mom and maybe a good friend, and, if you were lucky, perhaps a free shot or two at the bar from some random, who deduced it was your birthday after you climbed on the bar and yelled “It’s my birthday, bitches!!!”

But now, everyone knows it’s your birthday. Facebook announces right there on your profile whose birthday it is that day, basically passive-aggressively telling you “don’t be a schmuck…wish this kid a happy birthday, huh?”

On one hand, this is great. Nothing makes you feel quite as special on your special day as having 1,034 of your closest virtual friends wishing you a happy birthday. This is especially true when you’re spending your birthday in a new city where you’ve only made a handful of real-life friends so far, like me.

But my problem is that I don’t know what is proper Facebook birthday etiquette. Do I have to respond to each post individually? Or can I just make a blanket “thanks, everyone” post? And if so, how many exclamation points after “everyone” do I use?

But if I do that and someone wrote something really funny, like, “in honor of your birthday, I’m going to bong a Natty Light”, is it ok to “Like” that post, or do I have to like all the posts then?

And what about the posts that go beyond the standard “happy birthday” message and include a follow up message? Or even a question, like “Happy birthday! Crows feet really suck, huh?” Is it rude not to write back?

Is a free e-card on the same level as an electronic gift card to Starbucks? And where do someecards fit in? What about the guy who made a hilarious JibJab video featuring me? Do I need to reciprocate? Not to mention, for everyone who wrote on my page, am I expected to write on their page for their birthday? What if I don’t know them? Or did know them at one point but totally forget who they are now? What about the ones that sent me an actual message, instead of a wall post? Does that deserve a response?

I JUST DON’T KNOW. AHHHHH!!!

Where’s Emily Facebook Post when you need her?