31 Things I’ve Learned in 31 Years

1. Yoga pants are a lot more fun to wear when you’re not actually doing yoga.

2. Facebook has turned a whole generation of people into really crappy philosophers.

3. Your 20’s are the time to make mistakes. Your 30’s are the time to make fun of idiotic people in their 20’s.

4. A true friend is someone who doesn’t send you spam email about what a true friend is.

5. People who are the most uninformed about politics are usually the ones on TV screaming about them.

6. Cheese is…it’s…it’s just amazing.

7. Free never actually means free.

8. A dog wearing the cone of shame and trying to climb up stairs is simultaneously the funniest and saddest thing you will ever see.

9. Speaking of dogs, they don’t need all-organic, gourmet food. They say hello by sniffing butts and consider random sidewalk vomit a treat. They’ll be just dandy with plain ‘ol dog food.

10. Throw out every diet book you’ve ever bought. If the diet actually worked, it’d be a bigger seller than the Bible and the dictionary combined and we’d all be a size six.

11. America may have its issues, but the one thing we got right is our superb “standing in line” skills.

12. Everyone should strive to see as much of the world as possible. If anything, just so you can truly understand why America’s superb “standing in line” skills are so important.

13. When your biological clock finally finds batteries, babies magically stop looking like loud, whiny blobs and actually start looking like adorable mini-humans.

14. Relentlessly pursuing happiness is bound to make you unhappy. You can’t feel the peaks of happiness if you try to ignore the valleys of sadness and the seemingly endless plateaus of “meh.”

15. Delicate ecosystem balance aside, all spiders should be systematically hunted down and murdered in cold blood.

16. Having Instagram does not make you a photographer.

17. Giving your kid a normal name that is “creatively” spelled is only fun for you.

18. People will judge you based solely on your iPod’s playlist.

19. The key to a good marriage is not marrying a celebrity.

20. LOL is not an appropriate way to end a sentence. And never will be.

21. Never put too much stock in winning awards. Just remember: Kathie Lee and Hoda have won multiple Emmys.

22. Orange is not a desirable skin tone.

23. When you start to feel bad about your age, rejoice in the fact your teenaged self never had YouTube, Twitter and Facebook to record all your stupid thoughts and most embarrassing moments.

24. You’re never too old for Jell-O shots.

25. Cooking is only fun if you don’t HAVE to do it.

26. Another key to a good marriage: Marry someone you like doing boring things with because doing boring things together will constitute about 90 percent of your relationship.

27. You never know how strong you are until you have to pee really bad and the line to the bathroom is 20 people deep.

28. Cheese really is just so amazing. I know I already said that but it just really, really is.

29. Age ain’t nothing but a number. Size ain’t nothing but a tag in your clothes that can easily be cut out.

30. You don’t truly know someone until you share a bathroom with them.

31. Mmm…cheese.

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