Top 10 Worst People on the Subway

This is why we can’t have nice things, Boston.

1. Mom with luxury stroller- That’s great that you can afford a stroller the size of a Hummer for Baby Zsa Zsa over there but you’re taking up too much room and blocking everyone’s access to get on or off the train easily. And don’t give me that nasty look when I refuse to get up and give you my seat. I’m reserving it for all the mothers out there with reasonably sized strollers. Besides, your behemoth of a stroller could fit you and half of the Bruins team in it so, there you go. There’s your seat.

2. Hobo that smells like pee- I get it. Times are hard. But next time, try peeing in the alleyway right beside the T as opposed to in your pants while on the T.

3. Guy rapping along to his own “demo” mix- No one is impressed, dude. No. One.

4. Woman with giant purse, which apparently needs its own seat during rush hour- There is a special place in hell for people like you.

5. Gang of junior high kids- I can’t tell you how thrilled I am that you just got out of school and are apparently fueled by six Red Bulls and 52 pounds of gummi worms. But no one honestly believes that Tammy the eighth-grader went to second base with you in the janitors closet so shut the hell up.

6. Young couple in love- I’m assuming she’s probably banging someone else on the side hence the desperate display of love and affection but come on, guys, keep it in the bathroom of the basement dive bar like everybody else.

7. Dude who keeps loudly telling his sob story and asking for $15 because he needs to get a state ID or he won’t be able to sign the lease on his apartment and the office that gives out the ID closes in 20 minutes which means he can’t get home to get money for said ID so if you could just spare some money to help him out otherwise he’ll be homeless and normally he’d never do anything like this but this is an emergency- No one is buying it, dude. No. One.

8. That guy wearing the Scumbag Steve hat on his cell phone yelling “I’M ALMOST TO DOWNTOWN CROSSING! WHAT? NO, DOWNTOWN CROSSING! WHERE ARE YOU? BRO, I SAID ‘WHERE ARE YOU?’ NAW, MAN, LIKE PROBABLY FIVE MINUTES. WHAT? I CAN’T HEAR YOU.”

9. Woman eating McDonald’s- Great. Now we all get to smell like slightly burnt fries. Thanks.

10. Creepy silent starer- Um…yes, I can feel your gaze on me. And every time I try stealthily to look up to see if you’re still staring, BOOM! you are. Learn the rules of polite society, buttface, and awkwardly look down at the floor like the rest of us.

UPDATE: The Battle for the Back Porch continues…

Three days ago, I surrendered my back porch to two power-hungry and maniacal winged insects (which you can read all about here if you missed my last blog post).  But now, after hunkering down inside my house with my tail between my legs, I had had enough.

I was going to take back my territory if it was the last thing I did. So I decided to go nuclear on their asses and bring in my secret weapon:

CAPTAIN CANINE!

Yes, I figured if anything could defeat my sworn enemies, it would be my dog, a fearless creature who will eat ANYTHING (except, of course, for cheap dog food).

Or at least I thought so up until a few minutes ago, when Buffy and I stepped outside and this happened:

Buffy-Bee1 Buffy-Bee2 Buffy-Bee3 Buffy-Bee4 Buffy-Bee5 Buffy-Bee6

Yeah. I’m pretty sure we have to move now.

So, this just happened…

I just surrendered my back porch.

I’m…I’m not even sure how it happened. One minute I’m sitting out there with my cup of coffee, enjoying the spring sunshine, and the next…well, the next I’m on the losing side of a vicious battle I didn’t even know I was involved in until it was too late.

But perhaps I should start at the beginning.

Everything you’ve ever read about me and insects is true (I know this for a fact since if you’ve read anything about me, it was written by me since I am the only one who feels I am important enough to write about). At this point, I’ve had so many epic battles with bugs and other vermin that I’m practically a seasoned four-star general (that loses a lot, including losing three and a half of her stars).

(Examples can be found here and here and here and here).

So you would think at this point, I’d be used to it. But I’m not. Which is why when a seemingly friendly bumblebee tried to become all buddy-buddy with me by invading my personal space, the following happened:

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Sure, the bumblebee probably meant no harm. But I’m a big believer of there is a reason Nature was invented and that reason is so bugs have some place to live far away from me so I don’t have to see their stupid faces.

Now, that whole episode in and of itself wasn’t that big of a deal. But then, not even five minutes later, a wasp decided to check out the situation. Which is when this happened:

Bumblebee6 Bumblebee7 Bumblebee8 Bumblebee9

Then it got quiet.

A little too quiet, if you know what I mean.

And then, just when I thought it was all over, that’s when, for the first time in recorded history, a wasp and a bumblebee put aside their differences (and century-long feud over whose stinger was bigger) to come together to defeat a common enemy.

Granted, I can’t be too sure of the details considering they hatched their plan out of my sight, but I’m pretty confident what happened next is the bug version of an ’80’s movie montage, which I would love to draw for you if it weren’t for my lack of artistic skill in trying to create a believable dressing room. So instead I will simply describe the montage:

SCENE ONE: Bumblebee and Wasp, both indignant over my treatment of them, spread out a blueprint of my back porch and look very serious while pointing at things and sticking pencils behind their ears.

SCENE TWO: Rapid-fire images of them running up steps, lifting weights, boxing each other, running up steps again, dragging a Matchbox car behind them with a tiny rope, running up steps again, playfully squirting water on each other from their water bottles, close-up of their bug muscles in action and finally reaching the top of the steps where they do a total rip-off of Rocky.

SCENE THREE: Obligatory dressing room scene where they take turns coming out of the dressing room dressed in different military/ninja/soldier gear while the other one shakes his head no, followed by one coming out in a ballroom dress (for some cheap laughs), finally followed by the perfect outfit, which is exactly what they were wearing before.

SCENE FOUR: The two of them sawing some wood and using those fire thingies that weld stuff and you have to wear those creepy masks like in “Flashdance” that I was never allowed to use in shop class after a completely innocent incident where Pete Mackleroy’s hair caught on fire.

All of which culminates in the following ingenious plan:

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Yes, for no less than 15 minutes, I was held hostage in the corner of my porch while these two played out their evil plan. They had even anticipated my counter-tactic of crawling across the porch floor, military-style, in a desperate bid to reach the door.

It’s all kind of a blur now, but somehow, by some miracle and no shortage of pure, unadulterated bravery on my part, I managed to finally run inside and slam the door behind me, leaving them glaring at me from behind the glass.

And that’s where they still currently are. Manning their posts. Refusing to let me back outside. And laughing their tiny, stupid, bug-faced laughs.

I guess I really only have myself to blame. I did strike the first blow.

Although, if my friend Billy is right, this whole harrowing experience was actually a conspiracy, with the bumblebee and wasp running interference for some shady caterpillars cooking up meth in the corner.

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P.S.: The battle is far from over…check out my update on the situation here.

A Mile Away from Tragedy

When tragedy strikes, heroes emerge.

By now most people have heard of the heroism that came in the immediate aftermath of the Boston Marathon bombings. The journalist who put down his camera to help an injured woman. Spectators who ran toward the explosions to help, instead of running away from them. The runners who after making it through a grueling 26 miles continued to run all the way to the hospital to donate blood. The police and EMT’s. The volunteers. All of them doing whatever they could in the chaos to help save lives.

Heroes. True heroes.

All of them.

But it’s a different story a mile away.

I watched the horror unfold probably just like you did. I was gathered around a TV with a group of people surrounding me, all of us trying to make sense of a world that no longer made sense. The only difference is I was in a bar along the marathon route. A place where the bartender refused to turn up the volume or turn on the closed captioning for fear of inciting panic. So instead of hearing an anchor give details, all we heard was speculation coming from a dozen different directions at once from confused patrons.

“Oh my God, is that purple stuff blood? Oh God, it’s blood.”

“I heard there are still bombs along the route. We should all leave.”

“No, the police are telling everyone to stay where they are.”

“They’re shutting down public transportation.”

“Don’t use your cell phone. That’s how they’re detonating the bombs.”

“My cousin said one hundred people are dead.”

“No, it’s only about a dozen.”

“I heard only two, but one is a kid.”

A mile away there is no smoke. No blood. No severed limbs. No screams. There is only large groups of scared people trying to sort out the information from the misinformation. We were far enough away to probably not be in any danger but it still felt like we were in danger. We were all desperately trying to get ahold of our families to let them know we were OK only to realize with growing panic that our phones weren’t working. As agonizing minutes ticked by, we watched our phones blow up with calls and texts we were unable to answer.

A mile away, there isn’t much you can do to help. All you can do is hand out cigarettes to people because if there was ever a time to smoke, now would be it. You hand them out to the two guys who can’t stop talking about how two people died and how they happen to be two people and how by that logic it could have been them. You hand them out to the guy walking down the street who is looking for his friend whom he lost a few hours ago and is worried he left to be closer to the finish line. You even hand one out to the young, drunk, scared girl who won’t stop talking about how if a bomb was going to go off, they should have done it at Fenway where there was a game because somehow in her young, drunk, scared mind, blowing up baseball fans is better than blowing up marathon fans. And you just shake your head and forgive her because she’s young, drunk, scared and alone.

A mile away, there is a frat house that turned their lawn party into a way station, offering passerbys water or food or cell phones or cell phone chargers. Or probably, if you asked them, they’d even offer you a much needed hug.

A mile away, there is a former EMT who keeps reassuring you that everything will be alright, she promises, when you hear that another possible bomb went off in a building close to your husband’s work and you start to freak out that he’s now in danger and as an afterthought that you’re all still possibly in danger and the terror isn’t over.

A mile away, there is a someone who let’s you get snot and eyeliner all over his shirt as you cry on his shoulder in front of another TV in another bar farther away from the finish line because you don’t know where else to go when the president makes his address about the tragedy.

A mile away, there is a friend who presses a crumbled $50 into your hands and insists you take it so you can hail a cab home instead of taking the subway since the police are advising everyone to avoid crowds.

A mile away, there is a cabbie who let’s you tell the story of the first time you ever went to the Boston Marathon two years ago when you first came to Boston and how moved you were that so many people would stand for so many hours cheering on runners they don’t know and cheering just as loudly for the last runners as they did for the first.

And five miles away, when you finally get home, there is a husband who lets you collapse into his arms sobbing because you both made it through this horrific day alive.

Yes, heroes emerge in a time of tragedy.

But a mile away from tragedy, there are only people doing whatever they can, whatever gesture, big or small, to help each other get through one of the worst days in American history.

Spring Cleaning for Lazy Dummies

Guys.

Guys.

GUYS.

Spring officially arrived this morning. And not that manic-depressive spring we’ve been having that’s been passive-aggressively toying with our emotions because it wasn’t hugged enough as a child by Father Winter.

No, I’m talking about stable because it’s happily hopped up on pills and booze spring.

Or at least it has in my neck of the woods. Sunny, breezy, mid-60’s perfect spring. For the first time in MONTHS I was able to open the windows, letting out the stench of cooped up dog and overcooked Christmas ham.

The birds are chirping. The neighborhood kids are outside playing (and/or reenacting scenes from “Lord of the Flies”). The random dudes who are somehow related to my landlord and store their stuff in the garage are in my driveway working on their RV or possibly building a meth lab in their RV.

Yes, it’s a beautiful day.

So beautiful that when I got out of the shower, I half expected a bunch of birds to fly in, towel me off and throw a bright pink Disney princess dress over my head that floated down and fit me perfectly. And then some happy squirrels would intricately lace a bunch of flowers in my hair. And then my dog would come running in and eat them all.

In fact, this weather has put me in such a good mood I actually cleaned. Better yet, I even went to the store beforehand to buy ACTUAL CLEANING PRODUCTS instead of wiping off the counter with leftover dog shampoo and my husband’s Green Lantern T-shirt.

Like, I scrubbed the TOILET. I mopped. I finally threw out the aforementioned Christmas ham that had been hanging out, possibly gaining consciousness, in the fridge.

I even made the bed (and by “made the bed” I mean picked the sheets up off the floor, since my husband and I are those kind of sleepers who thrash around violently in our REM cycles, and then haphazardly laid them back on the bed).

Yes, I hate to be this person, considering I didn’t get to where I am in my writing career (underpaid and underemployed) by being positive and non-sarcastic, but this weather has definitely brought back a spring in my step (pun COMPLETELY intended…also, sorry).

And guys, this could just be the vitamin D talking here, but it’s enough to make a girl think that everything is going to be OK.

Dear all the pretentious writers in Starbucks…

I remember once hearing a teacher say something along the lines of “an object in motion tends to stay in motion and an object at rest tends to stay at rest, especially if that object is a person sitting in a coffee shop and you want their seat.”

Or something like that. I don’t know. I was too busy sending professional-grade, orgami-esque folded notes to my best friend about very important topics, such as what fast food restaurant parking lot we were going to hang out at after school.

school note

But even if “technically” not being able to find a seat at Starbucks or some independently-owned cafe that prominently features “local” art of dudes in fedoras playing the saxophone on the walls isn’t considered “science” or whatever, it should be. Because the evidence, based on my extensive research over the past 30 minutes, is irrefutable.

See, as a freelance writer, I am constantly in search of anything that can distract me from actually writing or doing anything productive that might result in something tangible, like a paycheck. And having run out of distracting things to do at home (now that my husband has banned me from dressing up our dog in period costumes and recreating scenes from classic literature since it was, and I quote, “having a negative effect on Buffy’s mental health”)* I decided to go be one of those people who writes in public so everyone (other writers) can stare at me instead of actually writing while I stare at them instead of actually writing.

*Buffy did, however, make an incredible Anna Karenina, if I do say so myself. Until he started chewing on the toy train I kept ramming into him.

Only I never actually got to do that. Because no matter when I go to a coffee shop, no matter what time of day or day of the week, rain or shine or mid-hurricane, the place is already filled with other people whose husband’s have apparently also banned them from dressing up their dogs as Jean Valjean. And this afternoon was the last straw. I literally stood there, hovering creepily over people sitting down, for a full 30 minutes and a seat STILL didn’t open up. Not even when I politely but firmly started coughing on them.

Just who are these people?

I mean, I know in general who they are. They are that group of college students that has at least one of every major race represented and are working on some stupid group project that makes them overuse the word “juxtaposition.”

They are that Very Important Business Man in a cardigan who is waiting to meet someone for a Very Important Business Meeting, which is why they won’t let me sit across from them. But the thing is, the person they are meeting NEVER, EVER COMES.

They are the two moms with the giant strollers and yoga mats who just left Mommy and Me Pilates class with their demon spawn and are taking up the entire back corner so they can sip their green tea latte and discuss Derek Lam’s new line at Kohl’s.

They are the chick who just got done jogging and decided that instead of going home and taking a shower, they should get a hazelnut frappuccino and write the Next Great American Novel.

Now, granted, without further research, all I have right now are a few theories about how these people keep getting these seats, which are as follows:

1. The American obsession with gourmet coffee has created a new race of hybrid humans that are composed of 70 percent caffeine. And the only sustenance they can survive on is seasonal lattes and those 140 calorie cake pops. So, to ensure their survival, these people start lining up outside the doors at 4:30 a.m. every single day and then sleep outside the building when it closes.

Or…

2. Whenever potential coffee shop owners see a group of fairly attractive and diverse people milling about in a small area, they just start building around them and thus the people you see in there every day taking up all the seats now live there and are never allowed to leave. This would also explain why you can never actually get into, let alone use, a Starbuck’s bathroom. It’s actually someone’s apartment.

Alas, we may never know the true answer since 1. I’m extremely lazy and probably won’t follow-up on any of this and 2. I may be tired of writing at home but at least my house has vast amounts of vodka, which personally, I think helps the writing process much more than coffee.

Fans of Easter vs Not fans of Easter

Easter-fans

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Easter-not fans

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The Five Stages of Haircut Grief

I got bangs.

Granted, I realize this is probably not earth-shattering news to you.

But on a personal level, this is A VERY BIG DEAL for me. And not just because I now look like Zooey Deschanel’s less attractive second cousin.

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No, this is A BIG DEAL because I haven’t changed my hair in years.

YEARS.

And overall, I’m highly pleased with new bangs. Save for one part.

See, that above photo is a bit of a lie. I took that after the hairstylist was done professionally taming my belligerent hair. But ever since that day, my hair has looked nothing like that. No matter how much I blowdry it, gel it, brush it, apply various irons heated to an almost illegal degree to it, I can’t get it to look like that.

And I think I know why. Just like when humans lose something, hair goes through similar stages of grief when it gets cut. For example, here is what my hair has been going through this past week–

STAGE ONE: DENIAL

Grief-Denial

STAGE TWO: ANGER

Grief-Anger

STAGE THREE: BARGAINING

Grief-Bargaining

STAGE FOUR: DEPRESSION

Grief-Depression

STAGE FIVE: ACCEPTANCE

Grief-Acceptance

As you can see, the above cartoon is blank. This is because my hair has yet to reach acceptance, so naturally, I don’t know what this stage looks like. And I have no idea when it will, if ever, happen.

But here’s to hoping it’s soon. Because I don’t know how many more people I can take asking me why I got into a fight with a weed whacker.

Liar, Liar, Big Girl Pants on Fire

Now that it’s getting warmer (and then colder…and then warmer again…and then snowing…and then slightly warmer again before a cold front comes in around 3 p.m. and makes it hail), all our collective thoughts are slowly turning toward spring. And as such, all the things we’ll finally be able to do again now that winter is over (like the ability to go outside without looking like the little brother from “A Christmas Story”).

In general, this is good news. Save for one small, minor detail.

As we shed those bulky coats, our true form will emerge for all to see, much like a butterfly from its cocoon. Only our post-winter butterfly body is blindingly pale, semi-gelatinous and 10 pounds heavier than we remember after spending the past four mouths hibernating on the couch under our Snuggie.

Or maybe not for you. Maybe you’re one of those jerks who actually jogs all year round and doesn’t use Christmas as an excuse to eat your own weight in mashed potatoes. Which, if that’s the case, good for you. Also, I hate you.

As for the rest of us, we are starting to hit panic mode. And as such this is the time of year I fondly like to refer to as New Year Resolution 2.0, when we all suddenly remember we were supposed to lose weight and NOT eat Peeps and leftover Valentine’s Day chocolate for breakfast anymore. Followed by mentally beating ourselves up because we realize if we had started in January, we would have hit our goal by now.

But instead we are clinging to our old college sweatshirt like it’s the last lifeboat on the Titanic as we obsessively check the weather forecast for the day it finally is too warm and we’re forced to take it off, revealing the horrid neglect we’ve done to our body as young children run away screaming from us in our stretched-out tank top.

Now, I was determined this year not to stress out about losing weight. Or even getting into shape. Or doing pretty much anything that required me to feel bad about sitting in bed eating Fluffernutters. In fact, I didn’t even make a New Year’s resolution. I finally felt I was mature enough to accept my body as it is, flaws and all.

And that was actually quite easy to do when I was wearing my husband’s giant flannel pajama pants and three layers of thermal shirts.

But then I made the mistake of going shopping and trying on a summer dress. Now, I’ve never actually seen sausage being made, but I’m assuming it’s somewhat similar to the experience I had trying to get that dress on in that dressing room.

So, a few weeks ago, I downloaded a weight loss app to my phone, where I can input how much I want to lose and by when. And then every day it tells me how much I can eat and how much I need to exercise and in return I tell it just how much I did eat and how much I did exercise.

Only it hasn’t been working. And I think I figured out why.

I keep lying to it.

Of course, it didn’t start out that way. I was very honest at first, even adjusting my numbers for how much wine I drank since my standard glass of wine is not apparently the industry standard (the industry standard, of course, being quite quaint…if we weren’t supposed to fill our wine glass to the very top, why did they make the wine glass that big, am I right? ).

But then week after week, the app kept showing me an angry red bar graph of how many calories I was over each day on the “Your Progress” tab. It got quite depressing after awhile.

So, I would just toss in some little white lies at first. That 150 calorie Cadbury Creme Egg? Oh, I totally burned that off by typing. No need to add it then. That fourth piece of bacon I had? It was pretty small. Smaller than your average piece of bacon, at the very least. No need to mention it. That last cocktail? It was mostly ice. And vodka. Both practically calorie-less. Obviously, it doesn’t really count then.

But then it started to escalate. I fudged the numbers of my portion sizes and exaggerated my fitness regime (counting the trip there AND back, I’d say it’s at least a half-mile walk to the mailbox).

And then it became full-blown lies. I filed my Sour Apple Martini under “apple.” My latte under “black coffee.” Those three pieces of pizza under “yogurt.”

It eventually got so ridiculous, I just stopped using it altogether. I just couldn’t bear looking at its innocent little interface anymore, that cursor blinking so trustingly at me and knowing that I was betraying it.

But that doesn’t mean I’ve given up on getting into shape and getting healthy. Oh no.

I just downloaded a new app this morning that has no idea of my devious ways.

One and A Half Shades of Gray

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