OPENING SCENE: Camera zooms in to clock beside Aprill’s bed. Time reads 4:43 a.m. Sound of baby crying.
APRILL (lying in bed, eyes still closed): “Nope. No way. (Voice gradually getting louder) You wish I loved you enough to wake up this early on a holiday! Go back to sleep, Riker!”
APRILL (eyes still closed, kicking her husband, Ryan, with her leg): “I’ll give you $50,000 if you go get him right now.”
RYAN (raises head from pillow, his bedhead making him look like a deranged muppet): “Please. I’m still waiting for the $100,000 you promised me when I took the dog out during a blizzard last year. And the $4 million you promised me when I gave you my last mozzarella stick Tuesday.”
Cue laugh track.
Crying gets louder.
APRILL (slowly and dramatically rolling off bed, eyes still closed): “Ugh. He’s so dramatic. I bet when I go in there, he’s not even missing a limb.”
Cue giggle track since the joke is so-so at best.
Camera fades to black and reopens on Riker’s nursery. Aprill is getting ready to change Riker’s diaper.
APRILL: “Well, happy first Thanksgiving, kiddo. (Opens diaper) WHOA! How did all that even fit inside your tiny body? I’m not even mad. I’m impressed. (Note: Check with legal if we can use this and not get sued by Will Ferrell) Guess you’re thankful for having the bowel movements of a Budweiser Clydesdale, huh?”
Aprill carries Riker into the kitchen, which is pristine and huge and has a funky vintage fridge just like all sitcom kitchens, even if the people in the sitcom are poor and live in a ridiculously expensive city.
APRILL: “Well, since we’re up, we might as well get a jump on Thanksgiving dinner.”
Aprill opens funky vintage fridge, which is full of colorful fruits and vegetables and POM drinks, and not leftover Chinese food and Kraft singles and a carrot that committed suicide in 2011.
APRILL: “Shit!” (if this airs on late-night cable) “Darn it!” (if this airs on network TV) “Babe! I forgot to defrost the turkey!”
Stumbling noises heard off-camera. Ryan enters the kitchen, bedhead now making him look like the love child of Nick Nolte and Justin Bieber.
RYAN: “Huh. Well, that sounds like a pretty big problem for Future Ryan to deal with. But right now, Current Ryan is going back to bed.”
Two hours later…
Ryan wakes up to a loud noise. He walks into the kitchen.
RYAN: “Uh…whatcha doin’?”
APRILL: “Blow-drying the turkey, obviously. Added bonus, I occasionally blow it directly in Riker’s face and it makes him giggle. And his hair is now super shiny.”
RYAN: “Aw…that’s my delicate little flower.”
Cue laugh track.
APRILL: “By the way, how long does a turkey take to cook?”
RYAN: “I don’t know. I have to Google it every year. Why don’t you know? You’ve made the turkey before.”
APRILL: “And how did that work out?”
RYAN: “Yeah, but after the food poisoning symptoms passed, remember how happy you were you lost five pounds?”
APRILL: “I finally fit in my skinny sweatpants.”
Cue pity laugh track.
Four hours later…
Aprill, Ryan, Riker and the dog are all on the back porch as smoke billows out of the windows of their house. Sirens can be heard in the background.
APRILL: “Who knew potatoes could explode like that?”
RYAN: “Two people who have a small infant they are in charge of keeping alive probably should.”
APRILL: “This day is a disaster. Do we have any wine?”
RYAN: “No. But we have some cooking sherry that’s probably tainted considering I think I bought it back in the 90s. That ought to do the trick.”
APRILL: “I’ll get the sherry, you call China Garden.”
RYAN: “I think that makes four years in a row. Pretty sure it’s now officially a Thanksgiving tradition.”
APRILL: “It’s just not the holidays without crab rangoon and the smell of burning arm hair.”
Ryan kisses Aprill.
Cue “Ooooooo” kissy-face track.
RYAN: “Insert some cheesy line here.”
Cue applause track.
Fade to credits.