Just another boring old married couple

For those of you in the office pool who picked “divorced within two years,” prepare to kiss your money good-bye. The end of this month will mark the second anniversary of when I suckered my husband into being permanently stuck with me.

Naturally, to mark such a milestone, we are planning to go all out with our celebration:

Me: “So, what do you want to do for our anniversary next weekend?”

Him: “Um…I don’t know. Hey, is ‘The Simpsons’ on tonight?”

Me: “I think so. Oh! Let’s order Chinese food and watch it.”

Obviously, we don’t have all the details worked out yet. But in our defense, we were so busy this past weekend lounging around the house in elastic band pants and slippers and making chili that was approximately 2,500 calories per bite that it left little time to make anniversary plans.

Now, to the untrained eye, it may seem like in only two short years I have turned into a boring, old married person. But personally, I think marriage has gotten a bad rap as being “boring.”

There are approximately 113,877 movies and TV shows out there that at one point all have some scene where a girl turns to a boy and says “I don’t ever want to be one of those boring, old married couples sitting in silence at dinner.” Those same movies and TV shows then portray married couples as being composed of a shrill, exhausted wife constantly nagging her weary, dead-eyed husband who keeps making sarcastic quips about “I don’t have an opinion anymore; my wife tells me what to think” to his single buddies.

And it’s thanks to these portrayals that people too often confuse “boring” with “comfortable.” See, while I’ll agree marriage isn’t one big giant non-stop action train, isn’t that also the point? I didn’t get married to have it resemble dating. Dating sucks. The constant fart supression alone is exhausting, let alone all the other stuff. If he doesn’t call within three days, should I call him? Or perhaps text? Maybe poke him on Facebook? Does he like me? Is my breath OK? Is he seeing anyone else? Just who is that girl with the horse teeth that wrote a happy birthday message on his Twitter feed? When I take off my Spanx, water bra, fake eyelashes, four-inch stilettos, hair extensions and seven-layers of makeup, will he be disappointed?

And that’s not to say my husband and I don’t go out on dates. We do. We’ll get all dressed up and go someplace nice. And then you know what I get to do after a date with my husband?

Anything I want.

I can keep the sexy times going once we are back home or put on my sweatpants immediately and share a roll of Tums with him on the couch because that foie gras is not sitting well in either of our stomachs.

And as for that boring married couple you see at dinner sitting in silence? Who said silence has to be a bad thing? Comfortable silences are one of the most rare commodities on earth. You ever hang out with someone you can’t have a comfortable silence with? It’s horrible. Both of you struggling to fill the pause in conversation until the awkwardness makes you both want to stab yourself in the eye with a soup spoon. That’s why weather was invented. Simply so we would have something to fill those uncomfortable silences with.

And that’s why they call it “settling down with someone,” not “let’s keep this emotionally-draining roller coaster going permanently.”

So, to my beloved husband, I’d just like to say happy anniversary, baby. I love you. And thanks for at least attempting to hide your laughter at my farts after that whole foie gras incident.