Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the house
Not a creature was stirring…
…except for the children they had put to bed AN HOUR AGO
“I said go to sleep before I throw your presents OUT THE WINDOW!”
The stockings were hung by standing on a wobbly chair
In the hopes that vertigo would not appear
The children were defiant, still not snug in their beds
“Yes, I see you, so help me I’ll throw a damned sugarplum at your head!”
And Mama in her sweatpants, fully done with everyone’s crap
Had just settled in with her very full nightcap
When from out in the kitchen there arose such a clatter
Her dreams of a relaxing moment now utterly shattered
And what to her bleary eyes should appear
But Daddy with the toolkit and an equally full beer
As he pulled out a screwdriver, her eye began to tic
She knew in a moment the rest would be no picnic
Oh dammit, oh bullshit, oh bloody stupid hell
“Oh come on, are you kidding me, I’mma need more zinfandel!”
So many toys that had to be assembled
Their only comfort dark fantasies of elves being dismembered
So up until midnight the parents they toiled
Muttering to themselves about their offspring being too spoiled
At one point poor dad had to pull ‘ol mom off the roof
Before handing her an eggnog that was 50 percent proof.
Her bosom it shook like a bowlful of jelly
Filled as it was with rage and pork belly
His face went all red, like an over-ripe cherry
That vein in his forehead throbbing until it was scary
They spoke not another word but went straight back to work
The nerves in their back and knees going completely berserk
As the night wore on, the existential growing in their dread
Their sanity began hanging on by a very thin thread
By 3 a.m. they had finally reached their limit
Not to mention they were out of the much needed liquid spirit
But the children they heard them, ‘ere they stumbled out of sight
“Happy Christmas to all and to all screw this shite!”
Chick Writes Stuff 