- As it turns out, living through interesting times really is a curse.
- Living through interesting times, however, means you are very happy to make it to your next birthday.
- Anything can be a breakfast food. The only limit is our imagination.
- My husband looks really hot as Grizzly Adams.
- I look less hot as Grizzly Adams.
- Money can’t buy happiness. But it can buy useless, random crap off Amazon when you’re stuck at home during a global pandemic.
- Speaking of which, roller skating is not like riding a bike. You don’t just automatically remember how to do it, which is awful when you’re trying to justify drunkenly buying roller skates on Amazon.
- Spending quality time with family is the most important thing there is. Until it is the only thing there is. Then secretly eating a beef burrito in the bathtub becomes pretty important too.
- I now know why my dog runs to the window and barks anytime he sees a single human being. Or another dog. Or a leaf.
- Children are strong.
- Children are resilient.
- Children better stop rolling their eyes at me every time I tell them to brush their teeth.
- Yes, you have to use toothpaste.
- Teachers are mystical unicorn warriors and they deserve all the money and jewels and exotic oils for putting up with our children.
- No matter how many times you are forced to watch “Frozen II,” it won’t kill you. You think it will. But it won’t.
- Ditto “Moana.”
- Ditto “Toy Story 4.”
- Forts are still fun, no matter what your age.
- Dance parties in the living room are still fun, no matter what your age.
- It’s ok to like how the “Star Wars” saga ended even if no one else did.
- It’s ok to hate how “Game of Thrones” ended because everyone did.
- One way to get rid of a dead body is to feed it to your tigers.
- Uncertainty isn’t always bad. Uncertainty is the soil where change can start to sprout. Or something like that. I don’t know.
- My family is composed of a toxic mix of sore losers and sore winners and really poor spectators.
- Level 8 of Super Mario Bros. 3 is a dystopian hellscape and it’s stupid and no one can pass it and I hate it and it’s dumb.
- Twister is a young woman’s game.
- It’s never ok to cheat unless you’ve been playing Go Fish for an hour and your 3-year-old keeps holding her cards the wrong way and you just need the game to end.
- Ditto Old Maid.
- Ditto Candyland.
- If you’re going to call someone essential and a hero, they deserve to make a living wage.
- I think I say this every year on this list but I feel it bears repeating. Nazis are bad. Always. No exceptions.
- Speak up and fight for what is right.
- Teach your kids to speak up and fight for what is right.
- Boxed wine is less judgmental than bottled wine. Boxed wine doesn’t care how many glasses you have.
- Life is too short to read mediocre books.
- Life is just long enough to binge watch all seven seasons of “Parks and Recreation” again.
- You can never tell people you love them too much.
- It’s ok to ask for help.
- Never give up. There is always the chance that this all turns out alright. That we overcome everything history has been throwing at us and we fix the world and we become the next greatest generation. That many years from now we will tell our grandchildren “back in my day, we ate murder hornets for breakfast, kid.”
Posted in Family, funny, Health, Humor, Parenting, Politics, Women
Tagged 39th birthday, advice, frozen 2, funny, grizzly adams, mario brothers 3, nazis are always bad, parenting humor, quality family time, things I've learned, things I've learned during quarantine
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