Clogging the toilet bowl of equality

What fools we are, us women. Prancing around with our right to vote and our equal rights amendment as though they mean something. Thinking we can have our cake and eat it too (and if we eat it standing up in the kitchen it doesn’t have any calories).

Well, I have news for you, America. As much as we say the women’s movement has helped us come a long way, baby, we have been deceived. Like teenagers who get overly excited when a celebrity retweets them, we have been fooled into thinking we matter.

Think I’m crazy? Well, let me just give you an example of how far we haven’t come.

There is a segregated place that women are forced to go to almost on a daily basis that is so perverse, so medieval, so inhumane, it makes one think we haven’t moved forward one iota from the Dark Ages.

Naturally, the place I’m talking about is the women’s public restroom.

Yes, even though we finally have trendy T-shirts featuring Ruth Bader Ginsburg’s face, the fact that we are still forced to use these, dare I say, “facilities,” is outrageous. I mean, we can make someone with Julia Child’s voice a star and yet we can’t come up with a better bathroom system than the current one we have?

If you have never entered into a women’s public restroom (re: you’re a man who didn’t have the nerve as a kid to take the dare from your friends), let me enlighten you.

You’ll first recognize a women’s public restroom by the line outside of it. A line that swoops and curves around in a fashion that should never be seen outside of an amusement park (and only then in cases where it’s a ride that’s going to make you vomit in the fun way). Slowly and painfully do you watch the women in this line zombie shuffle…and shuffle…and shuffle…and shuffle…pausing to let a tumbleweed amble by…and shuffle, until finally they reach the door, where they wait in another line inside the restroom (since there are only two stalls to make way for the gigantic, unnecessary couch in the corner).

Mind you, this whole time their bladders are aching with the fire of a thousand menstrual cramps.

After what seems like a Bugs Bunny cartoon passing of time (the sun went up, sunk down, the moon rose, the sun came back up, back down, the moon rose…) they finally reach the stall door. And here is where the fun part begins.

Whoever was the first woman to decide it would be much more sanitary to “hover” over the toilet seat rather than making actual cheek-to-seat contact should be made to wear diapers and banned from all toilets. As for those of you that continue to “hover,” I’m going to let you in on a little secret.

Contrary to myths circulating fourth grade classrooms the world over, you can’t get cooties from a toilet seat and there is no such thing as a South American poisonous spider that hides under the lids and bites your lady business when you sit down. So sit your happy little ass down. Because you know what happens when you hover? You sprinkle when you tinkle. And you never, ever, clean it up. Which, of course, forces the next woman to hover, and the next, and the next…

BECAUSE NO ONE WANTS TO CLEAN UP YOUR PEE, YOU DISGUSTING HEATHEN!

And then, of course, there are the women who think they need to use a wad of toilet paper roughly the size of a basketball to clean their vaginas when they are done. This, in turn, causes the toilet to clog and also causes a shortage of toilet paper. Which forces the woman in the one lone stall that still has toilet paper to ration it out amongst her brethren, which merely slows down the entire operation and makes the bitter writer at the end of the line seriously weigh the pros and cons of getting a “urinating in public” ticket.

But wait, what’s it like on the other side then, you ask? Well, according to my husband, who for purposes of anonymity I will only identify here by the code name Ryan Hugene Huddle, men have rules of etiquette when it comes to public restrooms.

“When you first walk in and there is already someone at the urinal, you take the farthest one away from them. You always want at least one urinal between you and the other guys. If it’s not very crowded, you can even wait until someone finishes so as to avoid the ‘right next to each other’ urinal action.”

“But what if it’s really crowded?” I asked.

“Well, you can’t avoid peeing beside each other forever. Sometimes you just have to do it. But, honestly, when it comes down to it, we’ll just pee right there in the street.”

And there it is. Ladies, it’s sad but true what this says about our era. We may have burned our bras and went overseas to fight in wars, but when it comes down to it, we still can’t pee in the street…at least, not very discreetly what with our comically large, bowling-ball-sized wad of toilet paper and all.

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3 responses to “Clogging the toilet bowl of equality

  1. Amen. I would like to force all male designers of public restrooms to dress in women’s clothing and stand in a long line to wait for a pee. They’d change their ways pretty damn quick, I’m sure.

  2. I feel like I can provide some further insight into this topic because I’ve been blessed to have been able to use both the women’s and men’s restrooms.

    First thing first – BOTH men and women will leave the toilet seats sprinkled with their piss all over the seat. Yes, men have urinals, but some men decide they’d rather pee into the toilet (with the seat DOWN) and just piss all over the damn thing. Men also do not clean up after themselves in these situations. WHY? WHY DO BOTH MEN AND WOMEN NOT CLEAN AFTER THEMSELVES? I really don’t understand.

    Special treat in women’s bathrooms – I have encountered a few women’s restrooms in which they have a super comfortable couch in them. This is pretty neat. I rarely ever used it because really, who wants to just chill out in a restroom and hear people pee and poo. Also, restrooms smell bad most of the time. But I assume these couches are not really made for me, but maybe could be useful for pregnant women who just need to sit for a freaking second, or disabled people? Or someone who just really loves sitting on couches and makes it a point to sit at any and all couches they run across in the wild.

    Special treat for men – As you mentioned…. often you will find a line to get into a women’s restroom. Very annoying. So far, I have NEVER had to wait in line to use the men’s restroom. Ever. This is pretty neat. Along those lines – it’s also really common to just not find any men in there. Which is awesome because then I just have the whole restroom to myself and can do my thing without having to worry about someone else judging me.

    Overall – Both men and women are horrible at keeping the bathroom clean for everyone else. They are both disgusting and no one wins the clean award. I’ve seen some filthy women’s restrooms. I’ve also seen disgusting men’s rooms. People are just gross.

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