Your call is important to us…kind of

Hey kiddies. Want to know what your Aunty Aprill spent her day doing? Well, let me tell you, it was SUPER exciting adult stuff.

It all started by calling a 1-800 number in order to cancel the “application” I was asked to fill out by a “rep” (who came right to my door last week!) of a company that was offering a flexible rate program for my electricity bill. It would SAVE me HUNDREDS of dollars every year but ONLY if I signed up IMMEDIATELY.

Of course, being the polite and naive native mid-Westerner that I am, I signed up so as to not seem rude, instead of telling the “rep” to get the hell off my porch like I probably should have. Because as it turns out, upon Googling this company’s name, the very first thing that pops up is the big, scary word “SCAM.”

But I digress. I called the number and was kindly informed by the non-human voice that answered that my wait time would be more than 25 minutes. Forty-five minutes later (see how clever they are with the wording, kids?) I got to talk to an actual human for all of 30 seconds before I was transferred to another non-human voice who informed me that this particular office was currently closed and their business hours didn’t start until 9 a.m. EST. Naturally, you can understand my confusion, when I looked at the clock and saw that it was 9:30 a.m. EST.

So I called back the original office number, waited for “more than” 25 minutes again and then spoke to an actual human who, SURPRISE, transferred me back to the closed office that was supposedly open.

The good news is I eventually got to the right person in the right office and after three go ’rounds of “I just want to cancel” “But did you know with our program…” “Yep. Still want to cancel” “Ah, but with our…” “Dude. For realsies. Cancel. It.” “Well, are you sure because…” I was finally able to cancel the damn thing.

And after a taking a tranquilizer the size of a medium toddler, I was calmed down enough to rejoin society without immediately punching the next person I saw.

But the worst part of all is that this is not the first time this has happened to me. In fact, a few years ago, I wrote a column about a similar incident I had with a credit card company. A story I’d like to share with you all now…

Eat Your Heart Out, Rod Serling

By reading this column, you’re traveling through another dimension. A dimension, not only of sight and sound, but of the contents of your wallet. A journey into a heinous land whose boundaries are those of your credit limit. Next stop – the Credit Card Zone.

The place is here. The time? Now. Street scene: summer. A woman is on the sidewalk, pacing back and forth as she talks on her cell phone. Age: Twenty-something. Occupation: Hack writer who steals formulas from 1950s television series.

Meet Aprill Brandon, a fiscally irresponsible woman with a penchant for ridiculously high heels. In just a moment, Mrs. Brandon will enter a world where logic and reason have no meaning. A world where only confusion, misdirection and “Sorry, lady, that’s not my responsibility” reign. For an otherwise ordinary day, this simple phone call is about to take a turn for the worse.

“Hello. Please enter your 16-digit credit card code.”

1234-XXXX-XXXX-XXXX

“Thank you. For security purposes, please enter the last four digits of your Social Security number.”

5XXX

“Thank you. All our available operators are currently busy. Please wait for the next available operator.”

Doo-doo-doo-dah-dah-dah-bum-da-doo-dah…

(15 minutes later…)

“Hello. This is Steve. Welcome to customer service. How can I help you today?”

“Hi, my name is Aprill Brandon, and I’m calling about the debt cancellation policy I signed up for when I first got this card. I keep getting charged each month for it, which is making it hard to pay off my card, and so I’d like to cancel it.”

“All right, ma’am. We don’t handle those policies, so I’m going to transfer you to the third party company that does. You’ll be redirected to a menu and when it prompts you, you’ll want to choose Option Three, OK?”

“OK. Thank you.”

“Hello. Welcome to Account Protection Services. If you are calling about your debt cancellation coverage, press One. If you are calling about processing a claim, press Two. To return to the main menu, press Nine.”

“Um…(beep)”

“I’m sorry. I do not understand this command. If you are calling about your debt cancellation, press One…”

“…(beep)…”

“Hello. This is Linda. How may I help you today?”

“Hi, Linda. I’m trying to cancel my debt cancellation policy for my credit card. I was transferred to an automated menu by customer service and pressed Option One and I got you.”

“OK. Well, we’re not the ones in charge of those policies, so I’m going to transfer you to the department that handles that. You’ll be redirected to a menu and you’ll want to choose Option Three.”

“Oh, but wait, the last time…”

“Hello. Welcome to Account Protection Services. If you are calling about your debt cancellation coverage, press One. If you are calling about processing a claim, press Two. To return to the main menu, press Nine.”

(Two hours later…)

“Hello. This is Haashim. How may I help you today?”

“OK, look. I know this isn’t your fault, but I’ve been on the phone all afternoon and have been transferred to at least 15 different departments or in some cases, completely different companies. I’m just trying to cancel the debt cancellation policy on my credit card. But I keep getting sent to a menu where I’m told to choose Option Three. Only there is no Option Three. There is never an Option Three. All I want is to talk to a human who can cancel this policy. Can. You. Cancel. This. Policy?”

“Oh, I’m very sorry to hear about all your trouble, Mrs. Brandon. Unfortunately, we do not have the power to cancel the policy in this department. I suspect, however, the other operators were transferring you to the wrong menu. Let me transfer you to another menu, which should have Option Three.”

“BUT THERE IS NO OPTION THREE! THERE’S NEVER AN OPTION THREE!”

“One moment, please…”

“Hello. Welcome to Account Protection Services. If you are calling about your debt cancellation coverage, press One. If you are calling about processing a claim…”

“(Rocking back and forth)…There is no Option Three…There is no Option Three…There is no…”

Aprill Brandon. Age: Twenty-something. All she wanted was to begin a new life of fiscal responsibility. But in the end, it turns out the price for such a goal was her sanity.

It can happen. In the Credit Card Zone.