Feeling hot, hot, hot…and semi-homicidal

Full disclosure: I have never actually been to Vietnam nor fought in a war over there. So therefore, I can’t “technically” have a flashback to ‘Nam. But I’m pretty sure that during last week’s heat wave, I had the closest approximation a civilian can get to having that experience.

As the temps continued to climb into the 100’s here in New England, suddenly I was thrust back to the five years I spent living in South Texas. While I may have actually been walking down Newbury Street in Boston, in my mind’s eye I was back in that steamy (non)jungle, whimpering and rocking in the fetal position as my sobs mixed with my sweat.

For those of you who have never been to Texas, or anywhere in the South during the height of summer, there are a lot of ways you could describe the “seasons” down there:

Hot, Hotter, Really Hot and December.

Hot, Hotter, DAAAAAMN! and Satan’s Asshole.

Hot and Humid, Hot and Humid-er, Drought and Mosquito.

But personally, I think the best way to sum up the seasons down there in regards to my personality is: Homicidal and Slightly Less Homicidal.

(Of course, over time I got a little bit more used to the Texas heat. For instance, while my first summer was spent mostly lying down on the floor spread eagle by a fan in nothing but my skivvies, my last summer there was spent lying down on the floor spread eagle by a fan in my skivvies and a tank top).

Now, you may be thinking, “If Texas is so unbearably hot, how come so many people live there?” And the answer to that is very simple.

I am 100 percent a super-mega-ultra-wussy when it comes to heat. And the rest of the world is, in fact, not.

See, while normally I look like this:

…when I got hot, I turn into this:

To most people, being hot is a natural occurrence that happens from time to time and is no big deal. To me, however, being hot is akin to the end of the world and makes me want to stab little baby bunnies in the throat.

And the thing is, I don’t know why. I don’t know what it is about my chemical makeup that makes me turn into the Hulk (APRILL STAB BUNNY!) when it gets above 80 degrees. I see other people out and about, enjoying their days during the summer and not frothing at the mouth with one eye bulging out of its socket a’ la Mr. DeMartino from “Daria.” And I wish more than anything I could just deal with the sweating and the heat index and the steaminess rising from the concrete and the SWEATING AND THE STICKINESS AND THE SUNSHINE AND DID I MENTION THE SWEATING AND AHHHHHHH!!! DIE, BUNNY, DIE!

Yeah.

Anyhoo, the good news is the heat wave is finally over and Boston is back to seasonal temperatures…meaning I’m back to my old, non-bunny murdering, self. And I gotta tell you, it’s good to be back.

That is, until this weekend, when temps are supposed to climb back up into the 90’s…

Here bunny, bunny, bunny…

*No bunnies were harmed in the making of this blog post…too bad I can’t say the same for that raccoon.

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6 responses to “Feeling hot, hot, hot…and semi-homicidal

  1. Being from Texas there is something I feel I should share with you, we all hate the heat as much as you do but, being born here we learn to hide what we feel at an early age and to act as if it nothing and that is the truth.

    P.S. The bunnies are buried deep in the back yard or served as chicken BBQ plates at fund raisers

  2. “Satan’s Asshole” !!! Hahahahaa!! It’s true though, Texas effin’ sucked even more than Las Vegas because of the humidity. Sonofabitch!!! Yep, never moving back to Texas again.

    But I am surprised to know that Boston is super hot. For some reason I just assumed that North = never devil hot again. I’m glad Portland never ever ever gets remotely that hot. Ever. It’s pretttttyyyyyyy nice. 😛

  3. Pingback: THE TROLLEY TROLLOP: SWEATY DEATH BUBBLE | DigBoston

  4. Way to rub it in, Lucy. But was Portland voted the meanest city in the U.S.? Yeah. That’s what I thought. 🙂

  5. Thanks, Michael. That makes me feel slightly less of a giant wussy.

  6. I will forgive you [and Lucy] for dissing my state due to your Daria reference. I referenced Mr. D’s eye yesterday to the guys at work. 🙂
    Sorry Boston is having a heat wave chica. Isn’t there a fire hydrant nearby that you can pry open and stand in front of?

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