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Top 10 Perks of Being Pregnant

10. People will always insist you sit down. Your mom, your significant other, your co-workers. Even the 98-year-old man with scoliosis on the subway will get up and insist you sit down. Already sitting down? No worries. They will then insist that you lie down. Being pregnant, it is practically your JOB to be lazy. That is, unless you listen to “some” people who will insist you stay physically active. But “those” people are doctors and are stupid and also don’t think fried pickles are a good idea for breakfast.

9. Everyone will also always insist you are beautiful. Family, friends, strangers, your creepy neighbor who you now suspect has some kind of weird pregnant lady fetish. Everyone will feel the need to go out of their way to tell you how beautiful you are, you beautiful sacred vessel you. Because apparently while all you see in the mirror is a sweating fatty fat mcfatterson in sweatpants who isn’t wearing any makeup and has Medusa hair, everyone else sees a glowing goddess. Just go with it.

8. Thanks to your nausea, you always get to pick the restaurant because the list of places that don’t make you want to puke is shorter than the list of places that do.

7. Laying on the couch all day in your pajamas while eating chicken wings dipped in guacamole and refusing to shower is no longer considered “sad” and “pathetic” but “good for you” because you’re busy “growing a human.”

6. Your boobs. Your boobs become…they’re just…they’re just so amazing, you guys. If you’re anything like me, for the first time in your life, you will have Playboy Playmate boobies. And as such, you will stand in front of the mirror naked all the time in awe. I mean, you could KILL a MAN with these boobs if you really wanted to! They’re that crazy BIG! So make sure to enjoy them as much as possible before your mean, selfish children exit the womb and ruin them.

5. You can blame the baby for everything. In fact, you will say “the baby made me do it” no less than 417 times during your pregnancy.

4. Being pregnant gives you the god-like power to name something. You, a mere puny human, get to determine what someone will be called for the rest of their life. Obviously, judging by the growing numbers of people named She’D’yn’asty and Periwinkle and Darth, too many parents let this power go to their head. But as they say, absolute power corrupts absolutely and hopefully little Dragon Spike Huddle will understand that someday when he’s older.

3. Want ice cream and a taco at 11 p.m.? Whoever knocked you up is pretty much legally required to go get them for you immediately. And not those tacos from that crappy joint down the street either. No, the good tacos from that place across town where the Blockbuster used to be.

2. You finally have a legitimate excuse to buy those tiny, tiny adorable shoes that are always in the window of every fancy baby boutique. And also any and all tiny adorable baby hats that make infants look like animals.

1. You pretty much get to live like a hobbit. You can eat breakfast, second breakfast and elevensies all before noon (or in some cases before 8 a.m.). You have a new determination to make your life as cozy as possible (Snuggie, Netflix, $60 worth of snacks? BOOM. You got a rockin’ weekend). The TV remote is now your precious and anyone wanting to take it away from you is likely to get their finger bitten off, Gollum-style. And your feet swell up to comically large proportions (hairy toes also possibly included depending on your genetics).

Top 10 Most Useless Marriage Advice

10. Choose your battles.

In the end, the battles don’t matter. What matters is who wins the major wars. Let them take satisfaction in winning the “Battle of Who Does the Wednesday Chili Night Dishes.” You’ll have the last laugh when you win the “Let’s Retire in New Zealand” War.

9. If all else fails, get naked. You’ll forget what you’re fighting about.

I guarantee this works for Tom Brady and Giselle Bskdfjslkflsk or Orlando Bloom and Miranda Kerr. I’d bang any of them no matter what the hell we were fighting about if they dropped trou. But when you have a normal human body, complete with hair stubble, pimples in weird places, wobbly bits and PMS bloat, getting naked is just likely to make your partner go “What the hell are you doing? Good God, woman, we have neighbors. Put your sweatpants back on.”

8. Always be honest with each other.

I’ll grant you that being honest 85 percent of the time is healthy for your relationship. The other 15 percent should be made up of little white lies like “No, five glasses of wine is definitely not too much,” and “No, those definitely don’t qualify as man boobs” and “Yes, I’d LOVE for you to tell me all about how the “Avengers” movie differs from the comic book series.”

7. Never stop dating.

Dating sucks. That’s why you got married. So you wouldn’t have to shave, wax, bleach, bronze, dye, pluck and paint all so you can go to a crappy restaurant where the waiters wear flair on their vests. Sure, set aside special times to spend with your spouse. But don’t feel you have to, like, put on a bra or anything.

6. Put your spouse on a pedestal.

This one is just simply impossible. Especially if you share a bathroom.

5. Always say “I love you.”

Show, don’t tell. “Oh, you love me? That’s super great, hon. But if you really did, you’d pull all the dental floss the dog ate last night out of his butt.”

4. Really listen to what your partner is saying.

This is good advice unless it’s the 12th time they’ve come home from work bitching about Sharon again. Then you can just pretend to listen while you’re actually thinking about what your next tweet will be or why wasn’t it you who first came up with that ingenious Feminist Ryan Gosling meme. Because honestly all they need to do at this point is vent and if you can already list Sharon’s Top 10 Most Idiotic Statements for the Month of June, you can just pretty much zone out.

3. Never argue about money.

Are you kidding me? ARE YOU KIDDING ME? If you didn’t argue about money, chances are high all your worldly possessions would consist of a 200-inch flat screen and 800 pairs of high heels. Of course you can argue about money. Just do it smartly. And learn to compromise. Like purchasing a 72-inch flat screen and only 400 pairs of shoes instead.

2. Don’t sweat the small stuff.

Unless the small stuff is his FREAKING socks that he left ALL OVER the house AGAIN because he gets a weird, perverted THRILL out of taking off his socks in EVERY GODDAMN ROOM IN THE HOUSE AND LEAVING THEM THERE UNTIL THEY DECOMPOSE OF THEIR OWN ACCORD!!!

1. Never go to bed angry.

This only works if you started fighting at 8 a.m. Sometimes you just need to go to freaking bed. Regain your strength. Obsessively go over and over ways to poke holes into their stupid argument about how the time travel in the Terminator series could totally work until you fall asleep. And then wake up, refreshed, and armed with an arsenal of new insults that emerged from your subconscious the night before.