Good morning, passengers! Welcome to Every Airline Flight 525. We will begin boarding in just a few minutes but please stand by for a few pre-flight announcements.
It looks like we are scheduled for an on time take-off, although that will likely change once everyone is onboard and trapped. It does seem we are overbooked today so we ask that our customers be prepared to unceremoniously be bumped to a much later flight even though you have a connecting flight in Washington D.C. We apologize for this inconvenience but have the utmost confidence that no one will be of much help getting you where you need to go.
Onboard we will have a variety of complimentary beverages and snacks available during the flight. So please enjoy those two swallows of Diet Coke and three tiny pretzels. Of course this only applies to those of you who bought our basic economy seats. First class and economy plus customers will be given something much, much better which, fortunately for the peasants sitting in the back, you will get to glimpse as you awkwardly pass by them during boarding.
We also have a variety of alcoholic beverages available for purchase if spending $13 on a tiny bottle of vodka that isn’t even big enough to give you a buzz is your idea of a good value.
For those of you who have a middle seat, please be prepared for the other two people in your row to be seated first and then be super annoyed when they see you that you didn’t have the decency to die on the way to the airport, thus giving them more elbow room and a place to put their gigantic parkas. Middle-seaters should also be advised that you will have to pee about ten minutes after take off but will feel too anxious to ask the aisle person to move again and will spend the rest of the flight in pure misery. There will be plenty of bathrooms once we reach our destination but all of them will have a long line filled only with old people and women with multiple small children in tow.
Speaking of boarding, we here at Every Airline have a very strict boarding pecking order because classism is our creed and motto. We are now inviting those passengers who require any special assistance and anyone traveling with small children to begin boarding. Yes, even ahead of the rich people. But only because we’re pretty sure it’s required by law or something. For those of you boarding first, please do not make eye contact with the pompous lady who has been hovering near the gate for over an hour and is angry that just because you have a toddler you get to go ahead of her. She is clearly one of our Premier Select Members Plus and as such feels superior to you in every way. Please also note that she is married to the angry man who was indignant when the poor airline worker told him his carry-on, which was clearly a full-sized suitcase, had to go below in the cargo hold.
We will now begin boarding our Gold Circle Elite customers, which are somehow different from our Premier Select Members Plus customers. For those of you in Boarding Group 5, please stop standing around like you will get on this flight anytime soon. Sit down and pretend to read that overpriced John Grisham book you just bought at the airport souvenir store.
We are now inviting any veterans or current active military members to board even though the pompous lady is now audibly huffing and looking around with her best “don’t you know who I am?” face.
Ladies and gentlemen, I have been informed that all the overhead bins are already full since no one checks baggage anymore because we charge a ridiculous fee for it. Although feel free to hold up the entire line trying to stuff your gigantic overloaded carry-on up there anyway.
Since we are a bit afraid that the pompous lady is going to have a heart attack, we now invite our Premier Select Blah Blah Blah customers to board. As well as Boarding Groups 1-4 because the only thing our Select Elite Whatever membership gets you is the illusion of prestige.
Finally we invite Boarding Group 5 to board but most of you already did, sneaking in with the rest of the passengers.
We here at Every Airline know you have your choice of airlines and are happy that you choose to spend $377.34 to be treated as a criminal and a second-class citizen by us. Please enjoy your flight. Which I have just been informed has been delayed.