Tag Archives: nirvana

A eulogy for procrastination (that I’ll finish writing later)

When you have a baby, many things are added to your life. Pure joy, for one. A love you didn’t know was possible, for another. Happiness. A sense of meaning. Wisdom (well, relatively…babies are super dumb so you are super wise in comparison).

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Of course, it’s a bit of a trade-off because you lose things too in the process. A good night’s sleep. Daydrinking. The ability to talk to people without mentioning poop or very private medical details.

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But the thing I miss the most is procrastination.

We’ve been friends a long time, procrastination and me. We first met in high school, where we spent countless mornings in the girl’s bathroom together, furiously copying Misty’s Spanish homework in the seven minutes between arriving at school and the first bell (which wasn’t really cheating because I was totally absorbing the material as I sloppily scribbled it down…el gato esta en la microonda, comprende?).

Procrastination is also the reason why I read “Huckleberry Finn” in one night in college, closing the cover at 4 a.m. and realizing I had just read one the greatest books of all time as I drifted off to sleep (and then continued sleeping right through the exam).

But once you have a kid, being able to procrastinate is the second thing to go, right after the ability to watch any TV show in which a child gets kidnapped.

Yes, no longer do I possess the luxury of putting things off. Oh, trust me, I tried. There for awhile I kept my same kitchen cleaning schedule of “only do the dishes once you find yourself eating soup out of a Frisbee using a shot glass.” But then what ends up happening is that all the bottles and sippy cups are dirty and you have to wash an individual one in the sink like some kind of peasant and all the while the baby is screaming because he’s hungry and you realize you’re just going to repeat this whole horrible process in three hours unless you finally just cave in and load the dishwasher. And before you know it, suddenly you’re emptying and reloading the dishwasher every single day.

It’s the same way with the laundry. I put off doing it until the evening I realized Riker was completely out of clothes. So I just slapped my old Nirvana T-shirt on the kid, tucked him in and called it a night. Except I didn’t get a wink of sleep that night because I kept worrying that, of course, that night would be the night something horrible happened and I’d have to take him to the emergency room and the doctor would take one look at this tiny thing swimming in Kurt Cobain’s face and immediately call child services because I am obviously an unfit mother.

And let me tell you, you will only once, ONCE, miscalculate how many diapers you have and say to yourself “oh, that should be enough, we’ll just go to the store tomorrow.” Because babies can sense when you only have three diapers left and they view it as a personal challenge to use them all in the next 37 minutes.

I don’t even procrastinate on paying bills anymore. Because while having my electricity cut off and my landlord knocking on the door while I drink vodka in the dark and praise my creative spirit that wouldn’t let me sell out (I am CREATING ART, I have a DREAM, dammit) seemed very “la vie boheme” a few years ago, it’s just irresponsible and sad when you’re a parent.

But I think what I miss procrastinating the most on is this right here. Writing. As I type this very sentence, it’s been two hours since I sat down and started this column. And I’ve sat here this whole time, just typing word after word, until they became sentences and the sentences became paragraphs. I haven’t gotten up. I haven’t checked Facebook and Twitter. I haven’t made myself a snack or Googled new diets as I ate my snack or online shopped for clothes I would fit into thanks to my new future diet.

I just wrote.

Now, if you’re not a writer, you might think “well, yeah, that’s how it works.” But it’s not. Writing is the thing writers spend the least amount of time on. When a writer says they’re writing, what they’re really doing for three hours is anything else in the world followed by ten minutes of actual writing followed by Googling their own name as they eat Cheetos.

And I miss that. Deeply.

But here I sit. Actually writing. Because my husband has stuff he needs to do today and in a few minutes it will be my turn to play “Let’s Not Kill Ourselves!” with the baby.

So, for those of you out there who are still able to procrastinate, enjoy it. Luxuriate in it. Hug it, kiss it, then air hump it and spoon it for an hour.

Because once it’s gone, once you actually have to do the stuff that needs to be done all the time, you’ll miss it.

Or at least you would if you weren’t busy sweeping the floors because you just pulled your baby out from under the table and he looked like he went a couple of rounds with some mammoth dust bunnies on steroids and lost.

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Will Paul Ryan be the first Gen-Xer in the White House?

So earlier today I tweeted this:

“Paul Ryan is a member of Gen X. All my flannel shirts now feel tainted.”

Now, depending on your political views, this is either SUPER funny or vaguely offensive (but still kinda a little bit funny *fingers crossed*).

But regardless of whether you think Ryan is the answer America has been waiting for or is, in fact, the anti-Christ (if you, like, believed in that kind of stuff, which you DON’T, but if you did…), the one thing I think we can all agree on is that Paul Ryan is not the kind of dude we associate with that apathetic flannel-and-grunge drenched era in time.

Now, that’s not to say Gen-Xers can’t be Republicans or super conservative. But Ryan just seems…hmm…how to put this…like someone who has never, EVER watched MTV. Or even knows what it is. And who was possibly born already wearing a suit and tie.

Now, technically, I’m not ACTUALLY a member of Gen X if you go by this definition from a Time magazine article:

“Sandwiched between 80 million baby boomers and 78 million millennials, Generation X — roughly defined as anyone born between 1965 and 1980 — has just 46 million members…”

I was born one year too late, which means I’m Generation Y (although I’m still trying to figure out if that makes me a Millennial or not). But since I was around at the tail end of the era AND I married a legit Gen Xer who resembles Kurt Cobain in certain lights and whenever he doesn’t shower, I feel qualified to speak out, apathetically of course, on this issue.

So, if there is a chance the first Gen-Xer will be voted into the White House as VP this fall, I’d like to take some time to offer some alternative, much better suited candidates:

Winona Ryder: Who better to sit around and do nothing unless the president dies than the It Girl from the 90’s herself? Not to mention the star of THE iconic slacker Gen X movie, “Reality Bites.” In addition to giving our country some much needed “cool” points, she could also easily solve the national debt problem via a scam involving her daddy’s gas card.

Blossom: Yes, I know she has an actual real, human person name. But I can’t spell it and even when I try to Google it, I butcher it so badly that there are literally no “did you mean this?” suggestions. And let’s face it, we all still refer to her as Blossom. She is a beloved Gen X icon, so much so that we don’t even blame her for all those horrific photos our parents have of us wearing those stupid flower hats with the upturned rim. Plus, she has like a wicked smart person degree from a wicked smart person university or something.

Kevin Smith: This would be awesome for two reasons:

1. May 4 would FINALLY become a federal holiday (Star Wars Day…look it up, dweebs)

2. People besides your grandparents would actually start watching CSPAN in the hopes he’d do one of those epic Q&A sessions he’s become legendary for.

Dave Grohl: He was in Nirvana AND Foo Fighters. If you think he needs any other qualifications besides that, GET. OFF. MY. WEBSITE.

Jared Leto: He could end wars just by leaning on a locker during foreign policy meetings.

John Cusack: And if he’s not available, Joan Cusack…I guess.

Ice Cube: Anything to stop him from making any more crappy kid-friendly movies. You were in “Boyz N the Hood” and “Friday,” man. Have some self-respect.

Daria: Because if corporations are now people, then cartoons can now be vice president.

Wil Wheaton: The Republicans would securely capture the Nerd vote and judging by his work on “Star Trek: The Next Generation” and “Eureka,” he could totes solve the energy crisis problem within a week.

Molly Ringwald: She could entertain foreign dignitaries with that whole lipstick/boob move.

Marilyn Manson: Why the hell not? He’s known for his creepy-ass eyes too.