Tag Archives: growing older

34 Things I’ve Learned in 34 Years

My birthday is next week. Which means it’s that time again. Time to reflect on all the ways I’ve grown wiser. All the ways I’ve matured. All the ways I’ve perfected my spitball-throwing ability.

And as such, here are the 34 things I’ve learned in 34 years…

1. There are a lot of horrible things that happen to people every day. The dude at Burger King forgetting your fries is not one of them.

2. Never cheat on your spouse. Even if it means nothing to you, it was just five minutes, you just wanted a little taste, a little thrill. It’s not worth it. No matter how much you want to watch the next episode of “Game of Thrones” before they get home.

3. If a woman breastfeeding in public offends you, by all means you should feel free to avoid all public spaces.

4. If you find a coffee shop without a long line, RUN. It means the zombie apocalypse is finally upon us.

5. Marriage isn’t a race, it’s a marathon. Only instead of stopping every few miles to chug water, you head to the bar and chug beer.

6. Everyone needs to stop making fun of women who wear yoga pants and flip flops in public. We were once forced to wear corsets and bind our feet. Not to mention the jelly shoes we wore as children in the 80’s, which were basically tiny plastic blister factories. We’ve paid our dues and earned the right to be comfortable no matter where we are.

7. Baking is an art not everyone can master. But you throw enough cocoa powder into the batter and pretty much anything is edible.

8. Children should be seen and not heard. Because if you can’t see them, chances are high they are rubbing Vaseline all over the dog and eating a blue marker.

9. Remember that you can always turn your life around. Just look at Ryan from “The O.C.” Now he’s police commissioner and his best friend is Batman.

10. To you, that 3D ultrasound photo of your unborn baby is a beautiful rendering of your precious miracle. To the rest of us, it’s a horrifying image of baby Skeletor.

11. Always turn your weaknesses into your strengths. For instance, in my almost 34 years here on earth, I have never successfully folded a burrito. But that’s why Monday night dinners are called “Mexican Waffle Cone Night” in my house.

12. Is there any sound better than the sound of a child’s laughter? Yes. The sound of a cranky child finally napping.

13. No, you weren’t a queen in your past life. You were likely a peasant who died of scurvy.

14. There is only one way to end a friendship with another woman you no longer wish to be friends with without hurting her feelings. And that way is one of you has to die.

15. Just when you lose faith in humanity, some genius comes along and sets a Beyonce video to the “DuckTales” theme song and your faith is restored.

16. Always do the voices when reading aloud to your kid.

17. I don’t care what anyone says, pets adopted from the shelter know you rescued them.

18. Don’t let your age determine your style. Be you. Always.

19. Having tattoos doesn’t make you a bad person. Wearing Crocs makes you a bad person. (Kidding! Seriously though, the Croc industry has to be stopped).

20. Call your mother.

21. Just when you lose your faith in humanity AGAIN, some genius sets a Taylor Swift song to an 80’s exercise video and BOOM. Restored. Again.

22. The laundry can wait. Playing “The Floor is Lava” with your children can’t.

23. Stop worrying about getting your hair wet and just swim.

24. Read more books.

25. If you’re on the subway and a pregnant woman gets on, give your seat to her. And your coffee. And your donut. And your newspaper. And $1,000. Growing humans is hard.

26. Speaking of which, love your body, no matter what shape or size. Your mom worked damn hard to make it.

27. Go ahead, have that second glass of wine.

28. We need to take better care of the Earth. Because the Earth produces coffee beans. Which produces coffee. Which is the only reason humans haven’t completely destroyed each other yet.

29. Travel more.

30. I don’t know the meaning of life, but I suspect it has something to do with stuffing a baby’s tootsies in your mouth.

31. Go ahead, have that third glass of wine.

32. You never see hamsters in the wild. This isn’t really a life lesson, I just think it’s super weird.

33. Teachers should be paid more, for a lot of reasons, but mostly because they have to pronounce all the ridiculous names, with all their ridiculous spellings, we give our kids nowadays.

34. Og head, hav htat forth bootle off wine.

Advertisements

The 32 Things I’ve Learned in 32 Years

Well, despite my attempts to thwart it once again, my birthday is right around the corner. And so in honor of this very important day that only I and my mother really care about, I’ve decided to impart some of the wisdom I’ve gained over the years.

Here are the 32 things I’ve learned in my 32 years on Earth:

1. The book is always better than the movie.

2. Everything tastes better with bacon. Everything.

3. It’s not drinking alone if you’re on the phone with somebody who is also drinking.

4. If you’re having more than one wedding shower or more than one baby shower, you’re doing it wrong.

5. Superhero franchises should not be rebooted so often that you can still fit into the same pair of pants at both premieres.

6. Before you marry someone, make sure you enjoy doing boring, mundane crap with them. Because your marriage will be composed of 10 percent magical moments and 90 percent doing boring, mundane crap together.

7. No amount of digital remastering can change the fact Han shot first.

8. The quickest way to kicked off a singing competition show is to attempt a Whitney Houston song. You will never sing as good as Whitney Houston. Hell, toward the end of her life, even Whitney Houston couldn’t sing as good as Whitney Houston.

9. No, ladies, you do not deserve to be treated like a princess. You deserve to be treated like a human. Get over yourself.

10. Travel as much as you possibly can.

11. A slow Internet connection might be the ultimate first world problem, but it still really, really sucks. Like, REALLY sucks.

12. If no one will publish your book, publish it yourself. If no one will cast you in a TV show, start your own web series. If no one will sell your art, sell it yourself. There are no excuses anymore.

13. Never become so jaded and callous that you don’t give the homeless guy the spare change in your pocket.

14. It is absolutely impossible to resist yelling out “Leonard Bernstein” while listening to “It’s the End of the World As We Know It” by R.E.M.

15. Dog fur is the most resilient substance on Earth. No matter how much you use a lint roller, it will still be there on your pants. Even if you’re murdered and dumped in the ocean and found two years later, police will still be able to identify you by the dog hair they find on your pants.

16. Tweet like no one’s reading.

17. Don’t pay too much attention to statistics. Over 64.7 percent of them are made up on the spot.

18. Never put too much stock in winning awards. Just remember: Kathie Lee and Hoda have won multiple Emmys.

19. No one can make you feel guilty. Only you can make you feel guilty. Unless it’s your mom. Mom can always make you feel guilty.

20. Violence is never the answer. Unless the question is “What should we do about Kim Kardashian?”

21. It’s always better to look your age than to look like you’re desperately trying not to look your age.

22. Shelter pets make the best pets.

23. Fellas, if the woman you are marrying is a bridezilla, don’t be shocked when she continues to act like an entitled brat for the rest of your life.

24. You should automatically unfriend anyone who uses hashtags on Facebook.

25. If you’re worried about your privacy, posting rants about privacy on your Facebook page probably isn’t the best solution.

26. Don’t give your kid a stupid name. Just…don’t.

27. Sometimes living life to the fullest includes 18 hours straight of watching “Arrested Development” on Netflix.

28. You’re not officially old until Bingo becomes fun.

29. Leggings are not pants. I repeat, leggings are not pants.

30. Don’t bother keeping up with the Joneses. They’re jerks anyway.

31. Never let Christmas morning lose its magic.

32. Never get a tattoo of an Internet meme. YOLO looks dumb on your wrist now and will look really dumb 30 years from now.

Yogurt that helps you poo and other joys of aging

A few nights ago, my husband and I had a small dinner party. Just a few friends, a delicious meal comprised of appetizers, ribs, mashed potatoes and cheesecake as well as some bottles of wine. It was a wonderful time and by midnight, we were snug in our bed.

The following morning, we woke up exhausted and suffering from indigestion, a major headache, and sore muscles (from the effort of stirring and standing on our feet for more than half an hour apparently). All of which we remedied by swallowing a ridiculous amount of pills with two gallons of black coffee.

Oh, the joy of growing older.

I’m not quite sure when it happened, but at some point, our bodies stopped functioning on their own. Now that we are in our 30’s, it seems they require aids on almost a daily basis in the form of over-the-counter pills and creams.

For example, over the years, our medicine “cabinet” has slowly turned into a medicine “drawer,” going from a bottle of aspirin and some vitamins that expired in 1998 to the following: Maalox, Pepto, Pepcid AC, Advil, Tylenol, Tylenol PM, Ex-Lax, Ibuprofen, One-A-Day vitamins, B-Complex vitamins, Fish Oil pills, Tums, Metamucil, Midol, Rolaids, DayQuil, NightQuil, Zicam, Caladryl, Icy Hot, L-Lysine pills, four varieties of allergy pills and heating pads (just for good measure).

And that’s not even counting our anti-aging regiments, of which mine is comprised of various expensive anti-wrinkle creams and lotions designed for every inch of my body, from my face to my feet, and pills and powders designed to amp up my metabolism, which decided to screech to a halt sometime around 2008; and my husband’s, which is comprised of Chapstick and a bar of generic soap.

And while we have thus far avoided actual prescriptions from doctors, I realize that day can’t be too far behind judging from the ever-growing pharmacy popping up in my mom’s house and the arsenal the majority of my friends are building against depression and anxiety (or as my friend Michelle recently lamented, “Pills and creams! Pills and creams! That’s all my life is now!”).

Even sleeping can now be a dangerous activity. Ol’ Schnookum Bear and I have not insignificantly injured ourselves more times than I care to remember simply because our neck was tilted two degrees the wrong way on our pillows all night.

It’s official. Our bodies have betrayed us. Or as my husband summed up, “the older you get, the angrier your body gets.”

Oh sure, I realize some of it has to do with lifestyle choices. We still eat like we did in college, exercise is now considered doing laundry (in our defense, we do have to climb stairs to get to the washer) and “oh, I’ll just have one glass of wine” is not in our vocabulary.

But still, it’s hard to come to terms with the fact that I can no longer treat and/or neglect my body horrifically without consequences. Circle of life and junk, I suppose.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to run to the store to buy some more Aleve and that old people yogurt that helps you poo.