My birthday is next week. Which means it’s that time again. Time to reflect on all the ways I’ve grown wiser. All the ways I’ve matured. All the ways I’ve perfected my spitball-throwing ability.
And as such, here are the 34 things I’ve learned in 34 years…
1. There are a lot of horrible things that happen to people every day. The dude at Burger King forgetting your fries is not one of them.
2. Never cheat on your spouse. Even if it means nothing to you, it was just five minutes, you just wanted a little taste, a little thrill. It’s not worth it. No matter how much you want to watch the next episode of “Game of Thrones” before they get home.
3. If a woman breastfeeding in public offends you, by all means you should feel free to avoid all public spaces.
4. If you find a coffee shop without a long line, RUN. It means the zombie apocalypse is finally upon us.
5. Marriage isn’t a race, it’s a marathon. Only instead of stopping every few miles to chug water, you head to the bar and chug beer.
6. Everyone needs to stop making fun of women who wear yoga pants and flip flops in public. We were once forced to wear corsets and bind our feet. Not to mention the jelly shoes we wore as children in the 80’s, which were basically tiny plastic blister factories. We’ve paid our dues and earned the right to be comfortable no matter where we are.
7. Baking is an art not everyone can master. But you throw enough cocoa powder into the batter and pretty much anything is edible.
8. Children should be seen and not heard. Because if you can’t see them, chances are high they are rubbing Vaseline all over the dog and eating a blue marker.
9. Remember that you can always turn your life around. Just look at Ryan from “The O.C.” Now he’s police commissioner and his best friend is Batman.
10. To you, that 3D ultrasound photo of your unborn baby is a beautiful rendering of your precious miracle. To the rest of us, it’s a horrifying image of baby Skeletor.
11. Always turn your weaknesses into your strengths. For instance, in my almost 34 years here on earth, I have never successfully folded a burrito. But that’s why Monday night dinners are called “Mexican Waffle Cone Night” in my house.
12. Is there any sound better than the sound of a child’s laughter? Yes. The sound of a cranky child finally napping.
13. No, you weren’t a queen in your past life. You were likely a peasant who died of scurvy.
14. There is only one way to end a friendship with another woman you no longer wish to be friends with without hurting her feelings. And that way is one of you has to die.
15. Just when you lose faith in humanity, some genius comes along and sets a Beyonce video to the “DuckTales” theme song and your faith is restored.
16. Always do the voices when reading aloud to your kid.
17. I don’t care what anyone says, pets adopted from the shelter know you rescued them.
18. Don’t let your age determine your style. Be you. Always.
19. Having tattoos doesn’t make you a bad person. Wearing Crocs makes you a bad person. (Kidding! Seriously though, the Croc industry has to be stopped).
20. Call your mother.
21. Just when you lose your faith in humanity AGAIN, some genius sets a Taylor Swift song to an 80’s exercise video and BOOM. Restored. Again.
22. The laundry can wait. Playing “The Floor is Lava” with your children can’t.
23. Stop worrying about getting your hair wet and just swim.
24. Read more books.
25. If you’re on the subway and a pregnant woman gets on, give your seat to her. And your coffee. And your donut. And your newspaper. And $1,000. Growing humans is hard.
26. Speaking of which, love your body, no matter what shape or size. Your mom worked damn hard to make it.
27. Go ahead, have that second glass of wine.
28. We need to take better care of the Earth. Because the Earth produces coffee beans. Which produces coffee. Which is the only reason humans haven’t completely destroyed each other yet.
29. Travel more.
30. I don’t know the meaning of life, but I suspect it has something to do with stuffing a baby’s tootsies in your mouth.
31. Go ahead, have that third glass of wine.
32. You never see hamsters in the wild. This isn’t really a life lesson, I just think it’s super weird.
33. Teachers should be paid more, for a lot of reasons, but mostly because they have to pronounce all the ridiculous names, with all their ridiculous spellings, we give our kids nowadays.
34. Og head, hav htat forth bootle off wine.