Tag Archives: first world problems

Everything is cold & dead & stupid & I hate it

I’ve been sitting in this coffee shop for exactly 46 minutes now. And yes, I see you over there, Annoying Hovering Couple, with that dual stink eye you’ve been giving me for the last 17 of these 46 minutes in the hopes I might feel pressured to hurry up and finish my business here so you can have my table.

But the joke is on you. Because I can’t think of anything to write and so will probably die here at this table. So take that croissant you pronounced in the uppity French manner and shove it.

Ugh. Sorry. I’m just in a foul mood. Is there anything worse than January? Well, yes. I mean, torture is pretty high up there. Human trafficking. War. Extreme drought. Animal cruelty. That gross YouTube guy. Culottes. People who put raisins in chicken salad.

But January comes in at least a solid 770 on the list of Worst Things.

It’s cold. Everything is dead. There’s only one major holiday and you spend it hungover.

The bills are starting to roll in from Christmas. Nothing fits because of those ten (fine, 12) pounds you gained over the holidays. Everyone keeps bragging about how they’ve already done their taxes while you’re over here like, it’s not even May yet. And then they correct you and tell you they’re due in April but you don’t care because you got a mad case of Seasonal Affective Disorder and everything is stupid and dumb and ugly and stupid and I hate it.  

winter3

And there are still two months of winter left to go.

Ugh.

I know. I know. First world problems and all that. I’m trying to see the bright side. I really am. I even flirted with the idea of giving that Danish idea of hygge a whirl. Because lighting a candle and wearing a big floofy sweater will solve everything. But then everyone on the Internet kept arguing about how to actually pronounce hygge and I got annoyed and started drinking copious amounts of wine while randomly yelling out “I’m doing Hoo-GAH!” until my husband made me go to bed.

Honestly, it wouldn’t be that bad if I could just curl up in bed with seven blankets and read a good book. Which I would read for all of five minutes until finally giving up the facade and just binge-watching all the seasons of “Arrested Development” for the third time on my laptop.   

But I can’t. Because I made the seemingly well-thought out decision to have children.  

Don’t get me wrong. Having children is great.

In the summer.

When you can go places and do things.

But in the winter? Before they’re old enough for school? Having children is inhumane.

Every morning, there they are, bright-eyed and bushy-tailed and not caring that you got drunk practicing hygge the night before. Eager and ready to do things no matter how crappy it is outside. Happy and healthy and impatient for you to throw out a bunch of creative and imaginative and educational crap that their spongy little brains can soak up.

All of which I am happy to do.

In the summer.

And most of the early fall.

But all I want to do right now is hibernate in my blanket fort.

Sigh. Luckily, my love for my children is slightly stronger than my hatred of January. Which is why I took down the “No Kids Allowed” sign outside my fort. And why I will suck it up and smile and throw out a bunch of creative and imaginative and educational crap for their spongy little brains to soak up inside our fort.

Because I am a good mom.

And also because I’m trying to distract them from the fact that I am clinging to their tiny little furnace bodies for warmth.

 

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Babies on a plane!

If I had to list in order the Top Five Most Annoying People, they would be:

  1. People who talk too loudly on their cell phones while in tiny, enclosed, public spaces. (It’s an elevator, buddy, not “The Real World” confessional booth. I’m just trying to get to the fifth floor without intimate knowledge of your weird armpit rash).
  2. People who squeal and throw their arms up when they see their old college roommate walking into the bar.
  3. People who don’t understand the flow of cart traffic at the grocery store.
  4. People who live tweet the TV show they are watching.
  5. People who are Taylor Swift.

You notice who is not on the list? People who take babies on planes. Because if anything, these people deserve our utmost compassion and if you see them, you should buy them one of those $9 airplane cocktails. Or five of them. Because people who take babies on planes are wonderful, nice people. And pretty. And smart.

With a great fashion sense.

OK, OK. The jig is up. I know that people who take babies on planes are just the worst. And three months ago, I would have gladly plotted with you the best way to permanently exterminate these idiots off the face of the planet. (My preferred method? Booking them all on the same flight until the sound of all the crying babies makes them go all “Hunger Games” on each other.).

But then three months ago, I had a baby. An adorable baby. An adorable baby whose maternal grandparents and 64 other close relatives live 850 miles away. Which means an adorable baby who now has 66 people who live REALLY far away that REALLY want to see him.

Which means next week I will officially go to the dark side and get on an airplane with…(shudder)…a baby.

And it’s going to be bad. Oh, so bad. You know how I know? Because I was always, ALWAYS, that person on an airplane who loudly groaned every time I saw someone bring a baby onboard. I was always that person who turned around and shot evil looks at the toddler kicking my seat. And I’m pretty sure that at one point in my writing career, I dedicated an entire column to how unfair it was that parents of small children got to board the plane before I did (which included a line that went something like this: “Just because you’re not smart enough to figure out birth control doesn’t mean you should be rewarded with getting to jump to the front of the line.”)

Oof.

Yeah. Hi, Karma. How you been?

Needless to say, I’m terrified. Granted, the flight is only two hours and 15 minutes, but have you ever heard a baby cry? That sound has the miraculous capability to make time virtually stop. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve tried comforting my screaming child, freaking out because he hasn’t stopped crying for three hours, only to look at my watch and realize it’s been 45 seconds.

And my baby’s recent behavior has done nothing to ease my fears. He’s become more flighty than a teenage girl. Yesterday, he loved Mr. Giraffe. Today? He hates him with the passion of a thousand witching hours. This morning, only his binkie could get him to stop crying. Tonight? Don’t you DARE put that vile thing in his mouth. Else he will cry ‘til he vomits. And then he’ll vomit some more, just to show his disgust.

But they say the key to winning any battle is preparation and so I’ve been spending the past few weeks coming up with my battle plan. Extra bottles of breast milk for when we ascend and descend? Check. Another extra bottle full of water as backup to try and trick him once all the breast milk is gone? Check. Mr. Giraffe? Check. A knife to kill Mr. Giraffe in case Junior still hates him and wants to see him die for his alleged crime? Check.

And just to be extra safe, I’ve been saving up these past few weeks so that I can afford to buy everyone on the plane one of those $9 cocktails.