Well, well, well. Will you look at that? Here I am. Dragging down last year’s beat up and cobwebbed wrapping paper from the attic. Being proactive. Unlike every other year, where I wait until the last minute to do all this and end up turning into Scrooge, mumbling under my breath about decreasing the surplus population.
Starting with my family.
But not this year. No, this year I’m on top of it. Wrapping all these Christmas presents over a WEEK ahead of time. I should totally write a book about time management.
OK, is this all of them then? Oof, I hope so. I don’t remember buying all this. I should really check our bank account.
No matter though. It’s Christmas! Come on, get into the spirit. Or better yet, the spirits. Gonna go get me a glass of that gallon of eggnog I bought at the liquor store because it was on sale! Everyone’s asleep. The lights are all aglow (except for that one string that went out but I’m too lazy to replace). It’s not snowing but that sleeting is…picturesque. AND I can finally watch that ridiculous Christmas movie that somehow tries to plausibly pull off a time travel plotline about a medieval knight.
Sigh. Yes. This is perfect.
Alright, just going to lower myself down onto the floor here. Erg. Was the floor always this far down? Did I always used to grunt this much? OK, where are the scissors? Scissors, scissors…ah! There they are. Sneaky little devil. And onto the first present. You know, I don’t think I’d ever tell this to anyone, but I definitely have an above average gift wrapping skill. I mean, just look at this. Such tight corners. That I’d love to tape down. Where is the tape? Tape, tape…do we have tape? Did I forget to buy tape? We have to have tape. What house doesn’t have tape? Ugh. Better go check the junk drawer. Up we go. Erg. Ouch.
OK, so we have an ancient roll of tape that is half gone. Going to have to ration the adhesive. No worries though, I’m a master. Just gonna throw some ribbon on this bad boy and a bow and BOOM. Perfection.
I mean, look at that curly-cue.
My family truly doesn’t deserve me.
OK, what’s this one? A robot unicorn? With wings? That sings? Definitely going to regret this purchase. She’s going to love it though. And look at this one. An overpriced STEM gift from that fancy catalog. He’s going to go nuts. And get so smart. And then go to Harvard and buy me a house.
Oof. My back. Already with the back pain. Why is this floor so hard? You know what, though? Nothing a little bit more eggnog can’t solve. A little more eggy-nog-nog. Who would have thought that whiskey went so well with eggs? No one. Technically it’s gross. But it’s doing its job. Come to Momma, you.
Alright, round two. What’s next? A sled? How the hell do I wrap this thing? It’s HUGE. Where did those scissors go? They were just here! Where the f—Oop. There they are. You know, I honestly can’t wait until Christmas morning. The kids are at that perfect age where everything is magical and…oh come on. Where did the pen go? Or for that matter, my back-up pen? Six hundred pens in this stupid house and not a single one within reach! I swear I will burn this entire place down if…oh, there it is.
Wait, who was this one for again?
OK, how many more are left? Oh. Wow. Haven’t even made a dent. But how? My hips are killing me. Everything hurts. Things I didn’t even know existed hurt. How is it possible I’m only this far along? Do I even like this many people?
And why are all these toys in such oddly shaped packages?
So tired. More eggnog. That’ll help. And maybe one of those cookies or two (or five) that I spent all day yesterday making.
ARE YOU FREAKING KIDDING ME!? They ate them ALL? It hasn’t even been 24 hours! Those monsters didn’t even save me one.
Alright, alright, I need to calm down. This is MY TIME. I should try to enjoy it. Although, if I’m being honest, I wish MY TIME consisted of sitting on the couch doing nothing but mocking this Christmas movie. Seriously, no one dresses like that when it’s cold and snowy out, Ms. Oh But I Wasn’t Even LOOKING For Love. No, in reality, everyone dresses like they’re a homeless marshmallow man from November to April.
Sigh. OK, where was I? How are there still this many unwrapped things? Eh, you know what? Screw it. I still have plenty of time to wrap before Christmas. I’ll finish tomorrow. Or the next day. Yeah, it’ll totally be fine.
Now, where’s that eggnog?