Well, it’s my birthday. Again. And it’s a big one. The Big 3-8. I am now as old as Homer Simpson (at least in season 8). No, I’m not crying. You’re crying. SOMEONE BRING ME A BEER AND A DONUT.
If I’m being honest, though, I don’t really mind aging. I’ve learned so many things this past year. Wise things. Sensible things. And so, so many useless things.
All things I would now like to generously share with you…
The easiest way to deal with grass stains on your children’s clothing is to not care that your children’s clothing have grass stains.
If someone says “hey, smell this!” do not, under any circumstances, smell it.
I know there are people out there who don’t drink wine. I don’t understand them but I do think we should still try to love them.
Speaking of love, if you truly love someone, show it. By texting instead of calling.
Preschool teachers do not get paid nearly enough.
Growing older makes you realize what the truly important things are in life. I’d pay way more money for an uninterrupted nap than I would for diamonds or gold.
Never punch down. In comedy or life.
Take photos and videos of your kids when they are at their worst. Then look at these every time your ovaries start whispering “hey, there’s still time to have one more baby.”
I’m young enough to still hate the taste of martinis.
I’m old enough to now like the taste of gross stinky cheese.
In that brief moment when all your laundry is done AND put away, all things are possible. Revel in this moment before it ends.
We should all jump on the saving-the-planet bandwagon. I mean, what’s the worst that could happen? We succeed and our grandchildren don’t have to live in a dystopian hellscape?
It’s ok to look your age. Looking young is not an accomplishment. It’s a result of genes or lots of money or an extremely boring life. Or all three.
Hating pop culture is not an acceptable substitute for an actual personality. Shut up and let people like stuff.
No means no, stop means stop, let Mommy finish her coffee means LET MOMMY FINISH HER COFFEE.
Most people have no idea what they’re doing. Don’t let their confidence fool you.
The good thing about exercising is that if you do it for so long, you become addicted to it. The bad thing about exercising is that if you do it for so long, you become addicted to it.
It’s ok to laugh uncomfortably at funerals. Unless it’s your funeral.
It’s a small world. It’s an infinite universe.
You’re never too old to wear a tutu.
You’re also never too old to climb trees. (You will, however, be sore for days afterwards).
I’d rather be strong than skinny.
I’d rather be happy than rich.
I’d rather be immortal than dead.
It’s not important to love the same things your partner does. But it is important to hate the same things.
The last thing all pets should see before they die is your tear-streaked face. We owe it to them to be there until the very end.
One of the best things you can do for your sanity as a parent is to teach your kids how to swing on the swings all by themselves.
Fruit doesn’t belong on pizza or burgers.
No one likes the person who points out that tomatoes are a fruit.
Spiderman should always be played by an actual teenager.
You will regret not being in the photos.
You can never have too much sunscreen on hand.
Admitting you’re wrong isn’t a weakness.
Take pride in your unread emails. It beats panicking. (1,300 and counting!)
Smile at little kids, have a conversation with a lonely elderly neighbor, invite the mom sitting alone at the playground to have a nip from your flask. We could all use more positive human interaction.
Teach your children to be the kind of people who love the smell of old books.
You don’t have to be good at something to pursue it. If you love it, do it. Take it from an extremely mediocre photographer.
Speaking of things people aren’t good at, I am not good at math. Here’s to hoping this is the 38th thing. Because I am out of useless wisdom to impart. Did I mention cheese yet? Cheese is good.