Last Elementary School Newsletter of the Year

Greetings, families!

Can you believe this is our last school newsletter of the year? And what an amazing school year it has been. All 175 days of it. With five still to go, if you can believe it. Yup. FIVE. Because despite the fact all other school districts in the country let their students out a month ago, we here in Massachusetts go until mid-June for some inexplicable reason. 

So even though we are all white knuckling our way through this last week, bear with us as we have just a few more announcements to make before your kids are your problem again. 

Our end-of the-school-year bake sale is coming up and we are still in need of volunteers to donate some homemade baked goods. The school administration wants to make it very clear after last year’s protest that buying a dozen Dunkin donuts does now count as homemade. 

All your children’s artwork will be heading home this week in an unwieldy pile. We ask parents to refrain from throwing them away in the school’s trash cans as it tends to make them overflow. Please dispose of them in your own trash cans after the appropriate amount of time of pretending they are good. 

And don’t forget it’s Spirit Week! You can find all the information in the crumpled flier hidden deep in the recesses of your child’s cubby. Except for that one kid who always gives their parents everything and is super into participating. We love you, Jenny’s mom. Hang in there, girl. 

All library books need to be returned by Tuesday. But you already knew that. We’ve been telling you for weeks now. Come on, people. Mrs. Kendall is a librarian, not a bounty hunter. 

The band concert will be at 8:55 a.m. on Wednesday, which is an awkward 40 minutes after drop-off. Parents are welcome to hang out weirdly in the hallways of the school, go home only to turn right back around and come back, or to sit in their cars and doom scroll. Please note our vice principal will be low key handing out ear plugs for the performances of the younger grades, which will be squeaking their way through what is possibly “Hot Cross Buns” but could also be “In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida.” 

The lunch menu for this week is pizza. Just…pizza. 

On Wednesday evening, please join us for Family Night, sponsored by the PTA and one of our biggest events of the year. We are still in need of 8-10 volunteers. We know that everyone is checked out and pretty much just coasting until summer, where it’s Cheetos for breakfast and tablets until lunch, but we could really use the help. Literally your only obligation as a volunteer is to make sure no one dies. Also make sure to check out the student art show taped up along the walls of the gymnasium. Again we ask that you do not discard any artwork in school trash cans at the end of the event. We will have a designated burning barrel just off the parking lot, which was generously donated by the PTA.

On a related note, our last PTA meeting will be Thursday at 4 p.m. It’s at Joe’s Bar on Main. It’s been a year, y’all. Tequila shots on PTA president Julie. Also, we are looking for anyone who wants to nominate themselves for president next year. Her hair is starting to come out in clumps. 

The kindergarten graduation ceremony will be Friday at noon in the cafeteria. Parents of burgeoning tweens are welcome to attend and cry quietly in the background as they lament how fast the time goes. We do ask that you refrain from sniffing the heads of any child that is not yours. We know puberty makes your kid smell like weird cheese but this has become a liability issue. 

And one last reminder that any parent that wants to bring in four dozen cupcakes and a half dozen two-liters of soda to celebrate their child’s summer birthday on the last day of school is welcome to do so, but please be advised the teachers will serve it 15 minutes before school lets out. None of them get paid enough to deal with the ensuing sugar violence. 

From all of us here at Generic Elementary, we want to wish you and your families a happy, healthy summer and that if you see any of us outside of school in the next three months, no you didn’t.