Hello, hello! And welcome everyone to what is sure to be the most legendary Family Fight Night yet. We’re your announcers for the evening, Stan Boomvoice and Tucker McThundercords.
Legendary is right, Stan. It may be hot outside but it doesn’t come close to the temperature inside. Summer break is in full swing and tempers are flaring higher than the flames on Dad’s gas-soaked grill.
Speaking of Daddy Doomed, he’s still at work and the Married Matron is looking pretty harried, Tucker.
This muggy air has nothing on Mama’s mean mugging, Stan. I don’t know about you but I’d steer clear of this Miffed Missus. She’s already behind on dinner prep and potatoes aren’t all she’s ready to whip.
Looks like she’s regretting the Tablet Time-Out she instituted after the Blanket Fort Fracas, Tucker. These Wilding Whelps haven’t given her a break since breakfast.
And they are showing no signs of slowing down. Big Brother Bash is currently baiting Sister Seether with his infamous Toy Pile Driver, refusing to leggo those Legos even though he knows some of them are hers.
Oh! And it looks like the Rising 3rd Grader is rising to the occasion. She’s going in hard with her patented Honeybadger Hurricanrana, Tucker. Just a feral flying mass of tangled hair and untrimmed nails.
It’s not looking good for the Prepubescent Prince, Stan. I believe the Spare is ready to dethrone the Heir.
Not looking good at all, Tucker. That growth spurt she had last month is really paying off here. He might be older but this youngest is ready to yeet him out into the yard.
And it looks like the disturbance is dragging the Depleted Damsel into the drama, and she is clearly in distress. What do you think her play here should be, Stan?
Grounding is hardly groundbreaking, Tucker, but it might be Mama’s best move. Sometimes the classics are classic for a reason.
Oh! I don’t believe it! I don’t believe it! A Hail Mary hailing from Hell’s Kitchen! In a surprise move, she’s busting out A Moment’s Peace, letting them play video games! I did NOT see that coming, Stan.
It’s a risky move, Tucker. Risky move. The Tween Titan has been on a hot streak during this heatwave, dominating the action on the Nintendo Switch. He’s already gotten several reprimands for trash talking.
But it looks like the Sus Sweetie has something up her sleeve, Stan. She’s been secretly practicing while The Bruv of Shove was at camp last week and has managed to eke out a win!
Oof! That’s gotta hurt. Unsurprisingly, the action is now spilling over from the screen into real life. The Super Smash Brothers have nothing on these Super Shriek Siblings! Oh, the humanity!
And here comes all 15 pounds of the Round Mound of Pure Hellhound, always happy to add to the bedlam. This little doggy has a bone to pick and as you well know, Stan, the Chaos Canine rarely gives up easily.
Talk about a tongue lashing, Tucker. His bark might be worse than his bite but his lick is far from lovable.
Do you hear that, Stan? With her signature primal scream, it’s clear The Frazzled Femme Fatale has had it and is stomping out of the kitchen again, flinging F Bombs like a F5 tornado! Daughter Dearest at least has the decency to look demeaned but the Savage Son remains defiant.
Oh and would you look at that timing! Father Fatigued is finally home, unwittingly headed right into the eye of the storm. There’s a lot to take in here, Tucker, but he immediately executes his go-to move, The Raised Eyebrow.
The Pint-Sized People Producer is beyond peeved at this point and not afraid to project! She ain’t having none of it, gesturing wildly at everything! It’s clear she’s ready to tag him in, Stan.
But Daddio is coming in hot with the Decompression Defense! Looks like Bro-Dad just wants a brewski, Tucker.
We might have a Sweaty Stare Down on our hands. Do you think his Killer Commute can compete with her Caretaker Collapse, Stan?
Not likely, Tucker. Not likely at all. But wait! What’s this? He’s busting out the Meatlovers and Movie Maneuver!
And on a Tuesday! Unbelievable! Papa Peacemaker saving the day with Papa Johns! And will you look at that turnaround? They went from throwing hands to clapping hands.
What a bout, Tucker! What a bout.
Indeed, Stan. Always nice to see a Happy (For Now) Ending here at Family Fight Night. Until next time, everybody!
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