Guys. GUYS. My baby napped in his crib.
No. No, you don’t understand.
In his crib.
For one glorious hour and seven minutes (and 46 seconds, but who’s counting), my child slept in the daytime in the actual space that is specifically and scientifically designed for just such a purpose. As opposed to where he has taken every other single nap of his entire short life, which was in my arms (or his father’s arms, or his grandparents’ arms or that hobo’s arms that one time I REALLY had to pee in a sketchy Starbucks).
Not that I didn’t try to get him to nap in his crib. I did. I do. All the time. However, this is how it usually turns out:
Flashback wavy lines…Flashback wavy lines…Flashback wavy lines…
But this time, I don’t know if it was a fluke or maybe he was just really tired that day or if it’s that he’s finally old enough to realize that the crib is actually his bed and not the Sarlacc from Star Wars. But he slept. And after only 11 minutes of “my mother abandoned me and I’m going to die” level crying.
So what did I do with that one hour and seven minutes and 46 seconds, you ask? Well, you know that “Flight of the Bumblebee” song? Yeah, have that running through your head as you read the following.
First things first, I ran to the bathroom to grab the nail trimmer! Where I clipped four out of the ten gnarly hermit nails I had been wanting to trim since March! Before remembering I had to do laundry! Because I was down to my pregnancy underwear that I had to safety pin to my pants so they didn’t fall down! So I ran to the bedroom to start sorting my giant mountain of clothes! Which I did for 2.5 minutes before remembering I could actually eat something for once without a tiny human being clawing at my legs! So I ran to the kitchen and opened the fridge! Just basking in the glow of the refrigerator light and the knowledge that I could eat whatever I wanted and not just grab the first convenient thing I saw, which was usually something disgusting, like two-week-old Chinese food or celery!
Before I could eat though, I realized I could finally read the Sunday newspaper! Even though it was Tuesday! And the newspaper was from three weeks ago! But first, I wanted to make more coffee! Because I would need more caffeine to do all the things! All. The. Things! Ooh, coffee and the newspaper! AND A BISCOTTI! I needed a biscotti too! But we didn’t have any! I could run out and get some! Oh wait! No I can’t! My kid is just napping! Still needs an adult present! Oh well! Wait, what was I doing!?
A book! I could finally read one of my books languishing on my nightstand! But which one!? Oh, but first I should shower! NO! A bath! Oh my god, a bath! I miss baths! And then I could read my book in the tub with my coffee and biscotti! Oh yeah, I was making coffee! Where are the filters!? I can finally shave my Sasquatch legs and use that fancy sugar scrub!
Cookies!!! We don’t have biscotti but I could make cookies! Wait, why do my nails look weird? Oh yeah, I didn’t finish trimming them! I could do that while I finally start watching “Twin Peaks” on Netflix! Right after I call everyone I’ve ever known since I can now finally talk without Lil’ Captain ChattyPants constantly trying to grab my cell phone! But who to call first!? Wait, wasn’t I making coffee? Where are those damned filters!?
Ooh, actually though, I should probably use this time to clean. Hahahaha! I crack myself up! Searching for “Supernatural” bloopers on YouTube while stuffing my face with cheese it is instead!
Oh crap. Oh crap, crap, crap. What was that noise? He’s awake!? Already!? But I haven’t DONE anything yet! Sixty percent of my nails are still scary witch lady length!
Oh well. Guess there’s always the next time he naps in his crib.* I mean, now that he did it once, I’m sure this is bound to become a regular thing, right?**
**I’m typing this one-handed as he naps in my arms.