And now it’s time to play The Name Game!

HOST: Hello, hello, hello and welcome to another round of everyone’s favorite pastime: The Name Game! The only game where soon-to-be parents attempt to pick out a name for their unborn child while facing a series of seemingly insurmountable challenges.

I’m your host, Smiley McToothy.

Let’s meet our first contestant. Fresh off the couch and actually wearing real pants today, say hello to Aprill!

[Clap, Clap, Clap]

So, Aprill, it says here you are 20 weeks pregnant?

APRILL: That’s right, Smiley.

HOST: And you just found out you’re having a boy?

APRILL: Yes. And I have to tell you, Smiley, I couldn’t be more excited. I mean, we would have been happy no matter the gender, but I’m just thrilled with the amount of money we will save on glitter stickers alone now.

HOST: Wonderful. Wonderful. And now let’s bring out contestant No. 2, your husband, Ryan!

[Clap, Clap, Clap]

So, Ryan, this is your first child, yes?

RYAN: Yes, it is, Smiley.

HOST: And how prepared are you to be a father?

RYAN: I want to pee my pants and go hide in a corner on a pretty regular basis these days, Smiley.

HOST: Wonderful. Wonderful. Alright, onto Round One. This round is called the Spousal Veto round, where each of you will pick your top three baby names and give your opponent the chance to mercilessly mock that name and ruin it for all time. Aprill, you’re up first.

APRILL: Finn!

RYAN: I’m not naming my kid after a fish’s body part.

APRILL: Trevor!

RYAN: Oh no. Absolutely not. I went to school with a Trevor and he was just awful. He ate bugs.

APRILL: Landon!

RYAN: Are you kidding? Landon? As in Michael Landon? Why do you hate this child, woman?

HOST: Switch.

RYAN: Tobias!

APRILL: Hi, this is our son, Tobias. Here, let me take his glasses off first before you punch him in the face.

RYAN: James!

APRILL: NO! I mean, I once…um…kissed a guy named James. So I think it’s best to avoid any names that I may have…kissed…in the past.

RYAN: Leviathan! We can call him Levi for short!

APRILL: I think we should get divorced.

[Ding, Ding, Ding]

HOST: And that’s the end of Round One!

The points so far have Aprill in the lead because she is super pregnant and scary right now. On to Round Two where the points are doubled and the stakes are higher as we bring in your closest family and friends to ruin any other names you may be thinking about. Aprill, Ryan, you’re up.

APRILL AND RYAN: Riker!

COUSIN DAVE: Dude, my friend Jess’ pet rat is named Riker.

APRILL AND RYAN: Oscar!

SISTER-IN-LAW VERA: How dare you! You knew that Pete and I wanted to name our future son Oscar! You know, whenever we decide to actually have children in the next five to seven years. I can’t believe how selfish you are!

APRILL AND RYAN: Colton!

AUNT FRIDA: I once watched a porn featuring a Colton. He was delivering a pizza.

[Ding, Ding, Ding]

HOST: Oh, you hear that? That sound means it’s time for our Lightning Round! Aprill, Ryan, in this round you will shout out as many names as you can while our panel of first-graders shows you how they can turn those names into playground taunts.

Ready? And go!

APRILL: Grayson?

FIRST-GRADERS: Hey, Gayson! You a little momma’s boy, GAY-SON?

RYAN: Aiden?

FIRST-GRADERS: Yo, Gay-den! You suck, Gay-den!

APRILL: Cooper?

FIRST-GRADERS: Oh look, it’s Cooper the Pooper Scooper!

RYAN: Ethan?

FIRST-GRADERS: Hey…um…hmm…uh…Heathen! You hate God, Heathen? Go dance around a tree, Heathen!

[Ding, Ding, Ding]

HOST: And time’s up! And our winner is…nobody! Because as we all know, it’s impossible to win The Name Game! See you all next week!

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One response to “And now it’s time to play The Name Game!

  1. Pingback: A baby by any other name | Broke Wife, Big City

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