Depending on your age, Halloween can be a very different holiday for different people. For example, if you’re a young kid, it’s a magical night where you get dressed up in a costume and beg people for candy. If you’re a young woman, it’s a magical night where you cleverly dress as a slutty version of some random noun and beg people for attention. And if you’re a young man, it’s a magical night where you dress in something that will hide your groin and beg those young women dressed as slutty Yoda and slutty Dora the Explorer for even the slightest hint of interest in your idiotic self.
Yes, it truly is the most wonderful time of the year.
With one exception.
Eventually, you reach an age where you’re a bit too old or a bit too much in a committed relationship (even if that relationship is with your couch and Snuggie) to actually go out and bar hop until you puke inside your six-inch stilettos (ahh…memories). And yet, you’re still a bit too young to actually have children of your own that need to hold your hand as they go begging their neighbors for a pillow-case full of sugar.
Which means you now fall into the fairly lame category of official candy-giver-outter, a demographic composed mostly of childless couples in their 30’s and old people who hand out baggies full of raisins.
Circle of life and junk, I suppose.
Granted, it’s not all bad to stay home on Halloween. And I tried to jazz the whole thing up. I lit a bunch of candles and drank wine straight from the box and didn’t put on make-up so I could scare the kids when I opened the door.
And believe it or not, it ended up being kind of fun.
With a few exceptions.
Which is why I have written the following list of Trick-or-Treating Do’s and Don’t’s for next year’s festivities:
1. The deal is simple. You dress up in a costume and I pay to look at you for 15 seconds with candy. So respect the rules. A Bruins sweatshirt does not make you a hockey player.
2. Speaking of which, wearing sunglasses at night is not a costume, tweens. Unless you’re Corey Hart. Which you’re not. Cause you don’t even know who that is.
3. Yes, I am the cool house with the awesome bowl of top-brand candy that let’s you pick out your own piece. So don’t ruin it for all the polite kids by being the little asshat that grabs a giant handful of candy and then tries to go back in and double dip with your other chubby hand.
4. If you are a fellow designated candy-giver-outter, don’t hand out full-sized candy bars. You make the rest of us look like cheap a-holes.
5. If you’re 15 and drunk off wine coolers you totally snagged from your big brother’s stash, you are not hiding it well. At all. And it makes me want to give you mac and cheese and coffee instead of Snickers before I send you back to your parents. So…just don’t do it. Remember, there will be plenty of time to get drunk on Halloween when you’re older and dressed as a slutty janitor.
6. You have to say “trick or treat.” It’s the rules. Otherwise we will have an awkward standoff with me staring at you and you staring at me while you hold up your bucket.
7. Any toddler dressed as an animal, particularly a bear, gets extra candy. Cause that shiz is cute as hell.
Well, there you have it. And I truly believe if everybody follows these guidelines, we can make next Halloween the best one ever. Well, the best one ever for those of us who aren’t getting lucky in some random bar bathroom next Oct. 31.