Well, despite my attempts to thwart it once again, my birthday is right around the corner. And so in honor of this very important day that only I and my mother really care about, I’ve decided to impart some of the wisdom I’ve gained over the years.
Here are the 32 things I’ve learned in my 32 years on Earth:
1. The book is always better than the movie.
2. Everything tastes better with bacon. Everything.
3. It’s not drinking alone if you’re on the phone with somebody who is also drinking.
4. If you’re having more than one wedding shower or more than one baby shower, you’re doing it wrong.
5. Superhero franchises should not be rebooted so often that you can still fit into the same pair of pants at both premieres.
6. Before you marry someone, make sure you enjoy doing boring, mundane crap with them. Because your marriage will be composed of 10 percent magical moments and 90 percent doing boring, mundane crap together.
7. No amount of digital remastering can change the fact Han shot first.
8. The quickest way to kicked off a singing competition show is to attempt a Whitney Houston song. You will never sing as good as Whitney Houston. Hell, toward the end of her life, even Whitney Houston couldn’t sing as good as Whitney Houston.
9. No, ladies, you do not deserve to be treated like a princess. You deserve to be treated like a human. Get over yourself.
10. Travel as much as you possibly can.
11. A slow Internet connection might be the ultimate first world problem, but it still really, really sucks. Like, REALLY sucks.
12. If no one will publish your book, publish it yourself. If no one will cast you in a TV show, start your own web series. If no one will sell your art, sell it yourself. There are no excuses anymore.
13. Never become so jaded and callous that you don’t give the homeless guy the spare change in your pocket.
14. It is absolutely impossible to resist yelling out “Leonard Bernstein” while listening to “It’s the End of the World As We Know It” by R.E.M.
15. Dog fur is the most resilient substance on Earth. No matter how much you use a lint roller, it will still be there on your pants. Even if you’re murdered and dumped in the ocean and found two years later, police will still be able to identify you by the dog hair they find on your pants.
16. Tweet like no one’s reading.
17. Don’t pay too much attention to statistics. Over 64.7 percent of them are made up on the spot.
18. Never put too much stock in winning awards. Just remember: Kathie Lee and Hoda have won multiple Emmys.
19. No one can make you feel guilty. Only you can make you feel guilty. Unless it’s your mom. Mom can always make you feel guilty.
20. Violence is never the answer. Unless the question is “What should we do about Kim Kardashian?”
21. It’s always better to look your age than to look like you’re desperately trying not to look your age.
22. Shelter pets make the best pets.
23. Fellas, if the woman you are marrying is a bridezilla, don’t be shocked when she continues to act like an entitled brat for the rest of your life.
24. You should automatically unfriend anyone who uses hashtags on Facebook.
25. If you’re worried about your privacy, posting rants about privacy on your Facebook page probably isn’t the best solution.
26. Don’t give your kid a stupid name. Just…don’t.
27. Sometimes living life to the fullest includes 18 hours straight of watching “Arrested Development” on Netflix.
28. You’re not officially old until Bingo becomes fun.
29. Leggings are not pants. I repeat, leggings are not pants.
30. Don’t bother keeping up with the Joneses. They’re jerks anyway.
31. Never let Christmas morning lose its magic.
32. Never get a tattoo of an Internet meme. YOLO looks dumb on your wrist now and will look really dumb 30 years from now.