Will Paul Ryan be the first Gen-Xer in the White House?

So earlier today I tweeted this:

“Paul Ryan is a member of Gen X. All my flannel shirts now feel tainted.”

Now, depending on your political views, this is either SUPER funny or vaguely offensive (but still kinda a little bit funny *fingers crossed*).

But regardless of whether you think Ryan is the answer America has been waiting for or is, in fact, the anti-Christ (if you, like, believed in that kind of stuff, which you DON’T, but if you did…), the one thing I think we can all agree on is that Paul Ryan is not the kind of dude we associate with that apathetic flannel-and-grunge drenched era in time.

Now, that’s not to say Gen-Xers can’t be Republicans or super conservative. But Ryan just seems…hmm…how to put this…like someone who has never, EVER watched MTV. Or even knows what it is. And who was possibly born already wearing a suit and tie.

Now, technically, I’m not ACTUALLY a member of Gen X if you go by this definition from a Time magazine article:

“Sandwiched between 80 million baby boomers and 78 million millennials, Generation X — roughly defined as anyone born between 1965 and 1980 — has just 46 million members…”

I was born one year too late, which means I’m Generation Y (although I’m still trying to figure out if that makes me a Millennial or not). But since I was around at the tail end of the era AND I married a legit Gen Xer who resembles Kurt Cobain in certain lights and whenever he doesn’t shower, I feel qualified to speak out, apathetically of course, on this issue.

So, if there is a chance the first Gen-Xer will be voted into the White House as VP this fall, I’d like to take some time to offer some alternative, much better suited candidates:

Winona Ryder: Who better to sit around and do nothing unless the president dies than the It Girl from the 90’s herself? Not to mention the star of THE iconic slacker Gen X movie, “Reality Bites.” In addition to giving our country some much needed “cool” points, she could also easily solve the national debt problem via a scam involving her daddy’s gas card.

Blossom: Yes, I know she has an actual real, human person name. But I can’t spell it and even when I try to Google it, I butcher it so badly that there are literally no “did you mean this?” suggestions. And let’s face it, we all still refer to her as Blossom. She is a beloved Gen X icon, so much so that we don’t even blame her for all those horrific photos our parents have of us wearing those stupid flower hats with the upturned rim. Plus, she has like a wicked smart person degree from a wicked smart person university or something.

Kevin Smith: This would be awesome for two reasons:

1. May 4 would FINALLY become a federal holiday (Star Wars Day…look it up, dweebs)

2. People besides your grandparents would actually start watching CSPAN in the hopes he’d do one of those epic Q&A sessions he’s become legendary for.

Dave Grohl: He was in Nirvana AND Foo Fighters. If you think he needs any other qualifications besides that, GET. OFF. MY. WEBSITE.

Jared Leto: He could end wars just by leaning on a locker during foreign policy meetings.

John Cusack: And if he’s not available, Joan Cusack…I guess.

Ice Cube: Anything to stop him from making any more crappy kid-friendly movies. You were in “Boyz N the Hood” and “Friday,” man. Have some self-respect.

Daria: Because if corporations are now people, then cartoons can now be vice president.

Wil Wheaton: The Republicans would securely capture the Nerd vote and judging by his work on “Star Trek: The Next Generation” and “Eureka,” he could totes solve the energy crisis problem within a week.

Molly Ringwald: She could entertain foreign dignitaries with that whole lipstick/boob move.

Marilyn Manson: Why the hell not? He’s known for his creepy-ass eyes too.

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3 responses to “Will Paul Ryan be the first Gen-Xer in the White House?

  1. Well written and funny- a blast from the past. BTW- might want to research the anti-Christ stance.

  2. This is genius! I would totally vote for Daria.

  3. I’m leaning toward Jared Leto myself…mmm…Jared.

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