When real life attacks…

Well, I’m back. It’s been a hellish two weeks out in the real world that ended with the funeral of a beloved family member, but now I’m ready to retreat back into my virtual life where the biggest emotional incident is when someone I barely know un-friends me for cursing too much in my status updates.

I’m sure at some point in the near future, I’ll write more about what happened, but for now I am emotionally drained and physically bloated (thanks to way too much little old lady church food). So, for now, please enjoy this re-run column I wrote when I got bored one day at work a few years ago and created new state mottos for this lovely country of ours.

Mary Ahlers

                                          Aprill’s List of New State Mottos:

Texas: Come for the Ungodly-Sized Bugs, Stay for the Debilitating Heat

Arizona: Yup. Just as Racist as You Imagined

Florida: Housing the majority of senior citizens so the rest of you can get to work on time since 1967.

Delaware: Bet you ten dollars you can’t pick out our state on a map.

Illinois: At least we have Chicago.

Idaho: No, You ‘Da Ho

Kansas: Flatter than your 12-year-old sister

North Dakota: The “North” State

South Dakota: The “South” State

Rhode Island: Officially neither a road nor an island.

Ohio: Screw you, Michigan.

Kentucky: Over one million people, only 15 last names.

Nevada: Prostitution is legal…need we say more?

Georgia: We should already be on your minds.

Michigan: Suck it, Ohio

West Virginia: The Alabama of the East

Utah: Former Day Saints need not apply

Arkansas: Yeah, we’re not really known for anything

California: For sale

North and South Carolina: The “Mary Kate and Ashley” of the U.S.

Washington: Remember when we were cool? Grunge? Kurt Cobain? Starbucks? Anyone?

Missouri: Motto Currently Under Reconstruction

Colorado: Come for the mountains, stay for the snotty rich kids on school break.

Alabama: Not as redneck as Kentucky, ya’ll

Louisiana: Mosquitos big enough to rape your dog

Iowa: We heart vowels!

New Hampshire: Like Old Hampshire, only newer

New York: Like we care about a motto

Connecticut: We’re pretty much just one giant suburb for New York

Virginia: No presumptuous directional prefix required

Alaska: Sorry about Sarah Palin

Hawaii: If you enjoy swimming, take a ride on our interstates

Maine: We have crabs!

Massachusetts: The Traffic Jam State

Mississippi: The Educashun State

Maryland: The Other OTHER “M” State

Nebraska: CORN RULES!

Montana: Ask us about our state motto contest!

Wyoming: Wy not?

New Jersey: The Reality TV State

Pennsylvania: It’s not really always sunny

Tennessee: Rivaling Mississippi in misspellings since 1867

Vermont: Name two of our cities, we dare you

Wisconsin: We’re actually OK with global warming

Oregon: Like California, only crappier

New Mexico: Aliens!? Wha…? Don’t be ridiculous.

Oklahoma: We hate that fucking musical too

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s