Well, I’m back. It’s been a hellish two weeks out in the real world that ended with the funeral of a beloved family member, but now I’m ready to retreat back into my virtual life where the biggest emotional incident is when someone I barely know un-friends me for cursing too much in my status updates.
I’m sure at some point in the near future, I’ll write more about what happened, but for now I am emotionally drained and physically bloated (thanks to way too much little old lady church food). So, for now, please enjoy this re-run column I wrote when I got bored one day at work a few years ago and created new state mottos for this lovely country of ours.
Mary Ahlers
1928-2012
Texas: Come for the Ungodly-Sized Bugs, Stay for the Debilitating Heat
Arizona: Yup. Just as Racist as You Imagined
Florida: Housing the majority of senior citizens so the rest of you can get to work on time since 1967.
Delaware: Bet you ten dollars you can’t pick out our state on a map.
Illinois: At least we have Chicago.
Idaho: No, You ‘Da Ho
Kansas: Flatter than your 12-year-old sister
North Dakota: The “North” State
South Dakota: The “South” State
Rhode Island: Officially neither a road nor an island.
Ohio: Screw you, Michigan.
Kentucky: Over one million people, only 15 last names.
Nevada: Prostitution is legal…need we say more?
Georgia: We should already be on your minds.
Michigan: Suck it, Ohio
West Virginia: The Alabama of the East
Utah: Former Day Saints need not apply
Arkansas: Yeah, we’re not really known for anything
California: For sale
North and South Carolina: The “Mary Kate and Ashley” of the U.S.
Washington: Remember when we were cool? Grunge? Kurt Cobain? Starbucks? Anyone?
Missouri: Motto Currently Under Reconstruction
Colorado: Come for the mountains, stay for the snotty rich kids on school break.
Alabama: Not as redneck as Kentucky, ya’ll
Louisiana: Mosquitos big enough to rape your dog
Iowa: We heart vowels!
New Hampshire: Like Old Hampshire, only newer
New York: Like we care about a motto
Connecticut: We’re pretty much just one giant suburb for New York
Virginia: No presumptuous directional prefix required
Alaska: Sorry about Sarah Palin
Hawaii: If you enjoy swimming, take a ride on our interstates
Maine: We have crabs!
Massachusetts: The Traffic Jam State
Mississippi: The Educashun State
Maryland: The Other OTHER “M” State
Nebraska: CORN RULES!
Montana: Ask us about our state motto contest!
Wyoming: Wy not?
New Jersey: The Reality TV State
Pennsylvania: It’s not really always sunny
Tennessee: Rivaling Mississippi in misspellings since 1867
Vermont: Name two of our cities, we dare you
Wisconsin: We’re actually OK with global warming
Oregon: Like California, only crappier
New Mexico: Aliens!? Wha…? Don’t be ridiculous.
Oklahoma: We hate that fucking musical too
